Boundaries in Marriage
by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
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Book Summary Information
Author: Henry Cloud, John TownsendEdition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2002-08-01
ISBN: 0310243149
Number of pages: 256
Publisher: Zondervan
Book Reviews of Boundaries in Marriage
Book Review: An Incredibly Helpful Book for the Married and the Engaged!
Summary: 5 Stars
This was the first book by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend that I have read. Therefore, I can neither confirm nor deny another reviewer's statement that it is essentially a rehash of the original Boundaries book. Having not read any of the other Boundaries books yet, I found this one to be quite excellent.
Whether or not you are a believer in Christ, this book can still be incredibly helpful if you're willing to read it with an open mind. It may even be helpful if you have a closed mind and you don't even want it to be helpful. ;) The strength in it is that it is not a "How To" book. The authors realized that lists of surface actions to change don't change the heart. They focus on pointing out principles and revealing truth. They give plenty of examples and paint pictures of how certain actions make others feel. This helps you see beyond yourself, thus allowing you to interact with your spouse with greater grace and mercy. The changes in your actions are the result rather than the solution.
Another thing I really like about this book is that it explains what submission and sacrifice in marriage really look like in the Bible and not in what the world believes that to look like. It explains that submission is always to be done in love and with the perspective of EVERYTHING that God has taught us through His Word. This means that submission and sacrifice do not mean giving up all your desires and doing everything your spouse tells you to do; it means upholding your responsibility to love your spouse no matter what (ie. loving them enough to help support the end of unhealthy behaviors and actions). Truly love your spouse as the Bible commands, will require you to say, "No," some times, it will require you to actively participate by voicing your own feelings and taking ownership for them, and it may even call for you to create a boundary of space by removing yourself if your spouse is being abusive. I have found this book to be very helpful for relationships outside of marriage as well (friendships, work hierarchys, family, etc).
The book begins by clarifying what a boundary really is (a means to help us determine "...where someone's control begins and ends" pg 24) and what it is not (a means to control someone else). It then continues to dislodge general society's definition of boundaries you may have in mind by explaining why and how boundaries and freedom are not mutually exclusive. Part 1 continues with a discussion of truths (laws) about marriage and people in general to be taken into account when one is setting boundaries and trying to respect another's boundaries.
Part 2 discusses 'oneness' and 'twoness', and it also addresses values. I believe the reviewer who had issues with this book being focused on twoness misunderstood this section. The authors are just pointing out that you weren't always one together so you have to understand that it takes work for two to become one. In fact, their first real statement in this section is that oneness is actually God's very design for marriage. Their point is that you can't depend on someone else to complete you; the idea is for your spouse to compliment and enhance you. My only issue with this section is that no person is absolutely complete, and the authors seem to take the assumption that this can be and should be the case. Christ is still completing a good work in us, and we won't be complete until we are home with Him in heaven. I think a better way the authors could have phrased this section is that the individuals should be able to assume responsibility and understanding for both their strengths and shortcomings.
Part 3 is the practical section that guides you in handling conflict. It helps you learn to handle it by first helping you define the type of conflict. It addresses handling conflict with someone who is willing AND with someone who is resistant.
Finally, Part 4 reemphasizes what boundaries are and what they are not. It discusses the misuse of boundaries.
This book holds quite a bit of information. I would recommend reading a section or two at a time and allowing breaks in between readings to evaluate and soak in the information. I hope you glean something valuable that will bless you from this book! Enjoy!
Summary of Boundaries in Marriage
Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the 'property lines' that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage---and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for. Boundaries in Marriage helps couples: * Set and maintain personal boundaries and respect those of their spouse * Establish values that form a godly structure and architecture for their marriage * Protect their marriage from different kinds of 'intruders' * Work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries---or work with one who doesn'tEstablishing and understanding boundaries are crucial to the success of a marriage, according to authors Cloud and Townsend, who cowrote the award-winning and biblically-based book Boundaries. For example, boundaries help us understand where one person ends and the other begins, the authors claim: "Once we know the boundaries, we know who should be owning the problem we are wrestling with," they write. "This issue of ownership is vital to any relationship, especially marriage." But more significantly, couples need to claim and take responsibility for the "treasures that lie within their individual borders," such as: "feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love." Based on the book that elevated them to national prominence, Cloud and Townsend caution readers not to use this self-help manifesto as a means to change one's spouse. Rather, this is a book about taking responsibility for oneself in all aspects of life, but especially within the boundaries of marital commitment.
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