Boundaries in Marriage
by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
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Book Reviews of Boundaries in Marriage
Book Review: A horribly harmful book!
Summary: 1 Stars
By focusing on the separateness of the two individuals in unifying marriage, this book will only encourage the divisions that it seeks to stop. Claiming a form of biblicalness by referring to biblical passages but missing the biblical model of marriage, they write a book that will harm many a Christian marriage. Their thesis is that many of the post marital problems comes because Christian couples naively assume that when two become one they will truly be that: one. No, they say, they remain to be two and the only way to keep the troubles out are to define boundaries of each's individuality from the onset.
You hear none of this in the Bible. Rather you read, 'What God has joined together let no man separate.' Marriage is designed by God to be a supernatural unifying to two individuals, much like in the trinity, indeed the best picture of this unity that the world can see. 'Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.' A selfless love by the husband will keep conflicts to a minimum because he leads, not by following his own desires, but by looking out for her best interest. 'Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.'
Rather than saying that our conflicts are because we are rebelliously living outside of God's plan for marriage, 'Boundaries in Marriage' says that we just need to give each other their space. Some of the suggestions are wise and would help to make a more godly marriage, but not because we are honoring each others' individuality, but because they involved thinking of the other.
If you are just newly married or have been married for a while and are looking for some practical advice on making your marriage a better agent for God's glory I would recommend:
For wives - The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective by Martha Peace
For husbands - Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God by C.J. Mahaney
For couples - Reforming Marriage by Douglas Wilson (although I do not agree with one-size-fits-all applications on areas such as homeschooling).
Book Review: An excellent book, but only if you have a close walk with Christ first
Summary: 4 Stars
I would have given 5 stars but I caution those who are new to Christianity and are less familiar with God's word. I was given the Boundaries book four years ago but it must not have been the right time for me (or God knew that I wasn't mature enough in my walk) to use the wisdom found in Boundaries properly. I was going through a severe marital crisis and God led me to His Word to learn all I needed to know. Now that my marriage is being healed and having spent the last four years learning God's Word and learning to lean on Him and follow the Holy Spirit's promptings, recently I checked out the book at the library and found some good advice. In fact I enjoyed it thoroughly, specifically it reinforced that it was important to recognize how we are responsible for our own behavior and that alone if worked on can influence our relationships dramatically. I also realized that we are not to take ownership of other people's emotions. The Holy Spirit spoke these words to me based on my own experience with family and all the drama I used to involve myself with. The Holy Spirit also said to love others through their weaknessess. Overall this book was very helpful. The examples hit home. I am concerned about the way some scriptures are interpreted differently from the way I've been taught. It almost seemed like the author had an idea of his own and then turned to the Bible to support his belief rather than starting with a biblical principle and then using it to incorporate into his experiences. The only way to discern is through seeking the Lord dilligently, being prayerful and being led by the Holy Spirit in each situation. Do not be deceived. You can take all you've learned, but what counts is obedience at the very moment that God is asking you to do something that seems contrary to what you know...like when Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son. I do recommend this book for those who have a close walk with the Lord but suffer from being a people pleaser. One example I offer and as the Bible points out, 'do not rescue an agry person otherwise you'll have to rescue that person again'.Book Review: Completely against the teachings of Jesus
Summary: 1 Stars
How many more "experts" are going to give selfish advice to married couples? Our lives are supposed to exemplify Christ's, who gave all He had for His Bride. How can we do less? Aside from the rave reviews, I hear of destroyed marriages, ungodly counsel, and selfish attitudes, promoted by the principles espoused in this book.
As the mother of eight, I believe I have the right to speak out about this false teaching, promoted by this book, of "boundaries". I have heard some extremely selfish counsel, comments, and rough situations coming out of its principles, applied.
We are to be Warriors for Christ, turn the other cheek, overlook a transgression, forgive one another, and lay down our lives for each other. We are taught to die to self, and put other's needs before our own.
Please do not think that the continued quoting of Scripture in a book makes its message correct. Satan quoted Scripture to Jesus, remember? Jesus answered with - "It is written..." I say - "It is written...Greater love hath no man, than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" and we are told that if we are compelled to go a mile, go two. Definitely not taught to set up boundaries, but that the 2 become 1, and I believe the authors are to be held accountable, for putting asunder many marriages. - E. K. S., Florida
Book Review: Beware of This Book
Summary: 1 Stars
From my own personal experience in using this book in a marriage counseling setting, I would recommend all Christians to look somewhere else. Read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas first. Sacred Marriage is based on the Bible. "Boundaries in Marriage" could very easily wreck your marriage. Solid Christian Counselors that believe marriage is sacred will also warn you away from this book. Too often this book is used to justify placing boundaries on your spouse in such a way that effective communication is completely eliminated, which can then become a way for you or your spouse to escape from healthy conflict resolution. Again, there are plenty of good books for marriage. This is not one of them. To quote a phrase in "Sacred Marriage", "God made marriage to make us holy, not to make us happy." "Boundaries in Marriage" will only help you become a victim of your own insecurities, and will not allow you to develop into the marriage partner and Godly spouse you need to be. Again pass on this book. Read your Bible, and consider real Bible based books instead.
Book Review: wonderfully clear and helpful
Summary: 5 Stars
The authors make a great point: Boundaries protect love. When we respect each other as individual entities, it's actually easier for each of us to grow into wholeness. We don't lean on our partner unwittingly or place blame or responsibility where it doesn't belong. Boundaries help make clear: whose problem is it, anyway? All too often we may cluelessly point to our partner as the source of our problems, but the problem is really our own upset, and that's something we have to claim, own, and do something about. The book is excellent in giving clear step-by-step examples of how to work through formerly perplexing issues through loving assertiveness. Highly recommended.
Lee Liebner, author/singer of As You Go, an inspirational gift book/song-on-CD/scrapbook-journal for young people about to enter the world.