Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
by Nina Brown EdD LPC

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
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Book Summary Information

Author: Nina Brown EdD LPC
Edition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2008-04-01
ISBN: 1572245611
Number of pages: 240
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications

Book Reviews of Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Book Review: Worthy Read for Victims of Narcissists and Furthers the Ongoing Cultural Discussion of this Disorder
Summary: 4 Stars

Narcissists are bewildering hurtful people who do not limit their scope to the family environment. You may encounter a narcissist at work, in your love life, or as a friend. Brown's book "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownups Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" can be adapted to other situations. Coworkers, friends and spouses are just as much victims and have much to gain from learning coping strategies. Don't dismiss the book because you think it is solely about the parent/child relationship.

The tests provided are very good for finding out the hot buttons of your particular narcissist. You can use a boss or friend as a subject as easily as a parent. Discovering the prime motivations of your victimizer will be helpful later when you read about coping strategies.

Some difficulties do arise with the tests in that they are not consistent in their presentation. The initial tests do not provide the reader with a high or low score, or a scoring system that offers at least a mean/average for both healthy and unhealthy narcissism. Later tests have ambiguous language and the "best answers" cited can be validly argued against. One section in the initial test called "Shallow Emotions" provides a description but no questions. Is it part of the test? Do I rate it as an overall category? If it isn't part of the test scoring, then why is it here? The reader is left to interpret much on their own. Also that the author does not detail the DSM criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and its relationship to Destructive Narcissistic Pattern (DNP) leaving the reader a bit confused as to what condition is actually being tested.

After getting a feel for the severity of your subject's narcissism Brown moves on to coping strategies. Here her real strength shines through. Brown does not pussyfoot around the unpalatable techniques that produce results with a narcissist. In authentic loving relationships you don't want to irritate, ignore, distance or cultivate indifference. However a narcissist only responds to power, and in dealing with one you must adopt a neutral powerful stance. Ironically, it is within this distanced place that you will be better equipped to seize any small opportunity to move the relationship into a better place.

You may never get all of what you want but you may get some portion of it, but only if you can unplug the narcissist from playing you. Thankfully Brown acknowledges that most people involved with a narcissist do not want to wholly abandon the relationship as is often advised in other texts. Destructive Narcissistic Pattern (DNP) has a range and most narcissists have some good qualities that can be enjoyed.

While reading one wonders if Brown is a child of a narcissist herself and what degree she experienced. Looking back at the previous paragraph and the acknowledgement that most DNP victims do not want to leave the relationship, contrarily Brown repeatedly asserts that you must give up hope for this person. I believe you must release them from the expectation that they will improve any time soon due to your efforts, but I don't believe you give up hope in them as humans. Humans are not irredeemable. I don't think you have to wear your hope on your sleeve, but I also imagine that there are few children or spouses who are willing to give up hope in their loved ones humanity.

There are additional times when Brown misses the mark of actual emotional experience. Saying that your parent "did their best" may or may not be true. Asking a victim of child neglect to accept that their parent did not know that children need to be fed and clothed and cared for puts the onus on the victim. Just like the abusive parent Brown is asking someone to be "more understanding" when maybe the victim knows damn well that the parent was lazy, selfish and knew the rules - they just didn't want to follow them. The same could be said for victims of physical abuse. Some argument of incognizance can be made for emotional abuse, but those who are physically abusive take measures to hide it. They know the rules, they are not doing their best, and some victimizers get a sadistic high from hurting others. They are not "unconscious of their actions" as stated by Brown.

Some of these party lines from popular psychology need to go. Like those mentioned above, they are not true and by ignoring the gut-truth of the victim's experience these premises hurt those people who are reaching out for help.

That little diatribe aside Brown's description of Projective Identification is a perfect portrayal of how evil operates. Here she has a wonderful grasp and is so succinct in her explanation that something murky and complex becomes accessible.

The small section about the operating mechanisms of narcissists is powerful and probably the most healing part of the book. The actual portion of the book dedicated to healing offered insultingly weak suggestions. Making collages and putting words in boxes won't be enough to heal a wound of such depth. I was disappointed that Brown did not offer as options prayer, meditation, or surrending to God, or the politically correct "Higher Power." Nor is there a suggested reading list to increase your knowledge, any groups or online communities listed for support, or an encouragement to develop your self through hobbies, exercise, getting involved with community, etc. Such suggestions may sound trite, but I believe more people have used those very accessible activities in order to heal and build themselves up, than have been helped by cutting pictures out of magazines and gluing them to a board.

Still this is an important addition to our ongoing cultural discussion of narcissism. The places where the author doesn't pull any punches are spot on. I appreciated the fact that Brown did not keep pounding away at the horribleness of narcissists. Victims often get stuck in the eventual redundancy of unceasing validation. Brown pushes past that and gives folks a little kick in the rear forward into coping as positively and realistically as possible.

Again the narcissist in your life may not be a parent: he or she may be a boss, supervisor, friend, etc. The coping strategies are universal. Such a read offers a huge benefit to anyone involved with a narcissist in any environment.

Summary of Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Being a parent is usually all about giving of yourself to foster your child's growth and development. But what happens when this isn't the case? Some parents dismiss the needs of their children, asserting their own instead, demanding attention and reassurance from even very young children. This may especially be the case when a parent has narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder. From the author of Working with the Self-Absorbed and Loving the Self-Absorbed, this major revision of a self-help classic offers a step-by-step approach to resolving conflict and building a meaningful relationship with a narcissistic parent.

Children of the Self-Absorbed offers clear definitions of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder to help you identify the extent of your parent's problem. You'll learn the different types of destructive narcissism and how to recognize their effects on relationships. With the aid of proven techniques, you'll discover that you're not helpless against your parent's behavior and that you needn't consider giving up on the relationship. Instead, realistic strategies and steps are suggested for learning to set mutually agreed upon behaviors that can help you fulfill your needs and expectations.

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