Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
by Marc Weissbluth
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Book Reviews of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
Book Review: Valuable information but hard to get through
Summary: 4 Stars
I bought this book while pregnant and read much of it during my now 10-month-old son's first months. I found it to be terribly difficult to wade through largely because the writing style is weak. I sense that Dr. Weissbluth, in his more recent edition, took the advice to "clarify his style" (based on critiques) to mean that he should boldface certain suggestions and make lists of bullet points. However, it's not boldface and lists that make things easier to follow, but the actual writing. I'm afraid this book would only be easy to follow if it were rewritten by someone else. He is clearly a bright man with a scientific mind, but his writing style is not well organized and consequently, the book is unnecessarily hard to get through. It is much easier to follow the less informative book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley, who actually is an author first and foremost but is not a scientist. Weissbluth has the mind of a scientist who probably pulled "C"s in writing classes. His style might not bother some, but if you're looking to skim through and quickly grasp what he's saying, you're in for a disappointment.
That said, much of the information contained in the book is incredibly useful. I have bought and read several other sleep books, and this one is more scientific and gives more concrete information than the others. For instance, it breaks down babies' bio-rhythms for different ages. If you have a 10-month-old, like I do, you can determine not only the best duration and number of naps, but the actual times the naps should occur. It's terrific advice, because (especially for those with younger babies), you will find as baby ages that they get more "into" their playtime and less likely to show signs of fatigue. Thus if you know around when they should nap and what's appropriate for their age range, you can be sure and start to calm them down and get them to try and nap around the appropriate times.
Many of the readers in other reviews have found this book advocates a "cry it out" approach, which many parents, including me, find hard to stomach. However, I don't agree this book is a "cry it out" book. On the contrary, I think this book suggests several possible approaches and doesn't advocate any one approach except in circumstance with extremely colicky and post-colicky babies. In cases where nothing else is working, Dr. Weissbluth says cry-it-out or "extinction" is the best way. Part of the problem is that the book's writing style is unclear, so it's really hard to discern exactly what the author's approach is.
A very important element of the book is that it claims many babies will continue to wake through the night until the age of nine months, and that none of the advice given really is intended for babies of under four months. For those babies younger than four months, the book explains likely patterns and colicky behavior but does not suggest crying it out.
Now that my baby is ten months, I find the book terrifically helpful reference. If the baby misses a nap, for instance, I reference the book to see that you then keep the baby up a little longer so they make their next nap, starting that nap earlier, or take a little earlier bedtime. Whenever I have followed the book's schedule advice, it has worked (except during times of illness).
One final note on the writing style. In addition to the book's long, redundant sentences with dangling modifiers, unclear verbs and so on, there is a tendency to call children by nasty names. "Brat", "brattiness", "spoiled" - all of these are words which I find to be absolutely abhorrent in connection with babies. The use of these terms to me connotes a fundamental disrespect for children which I cannot tolerate. There are several techniques which I also find abhorrent - one comes to mind where Weissbluth recommends putting a timer (literally) under your baby's pillow and setting it every time you go in the room to comfort the child so that it goes off to let you and them know when it's time to go. Please, even a child knows when he's being put "on the clock". If my husband, another relative or friend did that to me I'd think it was terribly disrespectful. What about simply telling the child you're going back to bed instead of relying on a ticking clock to do your job? This and the use of the mean-spirited words gives me the sense that Weissbluth is a little cold-hearted in his view of children. I don't like the idea of basing decisions about child-rearing on parental convenience (though of course parents have needs too, and as Dr. Spock said years ago, "Parents are people too.")
However, I am giving the book four stars because I think that his information and age appropriate guidelines are so useful that it is worth wading through his poor writing and some negativity or hostility about children simply for this reason. Rather than reading the book all at once, which might make your brain explode with the effort of wading through his prose, read the parts that apply to your child's age right when you need them.
Book Review: Know your child, and expect that the sleep strategy may change!
Summary: 3 Stars
A friend purchased this book for us before our son was born, and we read it cover-to-cover. When our little guy entered the world, it didn't take long to discover that he had horrid colic, acid reflux to boot, and wouldn't even sleep lying down. We used his swing at firt, and as a breastfeeding mom, he often landed in bed somewhere in the middle of the night. I was determined, however, to have him in his crib before I went back to work at 3 months and this book helped me accomplish that... until he was about 6 months.
Once he was old enough to "decide" what he liked and didn't like, and probably due to seperation anxiety- he wouldn't go to sleep easy (cried every night) and began to wake a lot at night, crying for HOURS. After two weeks of the "ignore him" method, and then going "this isn't working at alL!", we tried another 3-4 weeks using the Ferber method (go in every few minutes). We were pulling our hair out. He was SOOOOO unhappy all day after a night of crying, and it got to the point where when you went to put him in his crib for a nap, he would arch his back and just sob... and scream at night. NO ONE was sleeping. Once he could stand (at 7 mos), he would cling to the bars of his crib crying and if he fell asleep, it was curled in the corner with his face against the bars... and we'd be off to a bad start from the moment he woke in the morning.
I started to give up.
Plain and simple. I couldn't do it. My husband and I had not slept in the same bed for more than a month at this point since we "alternated" whose turn it would be to listen to our son cry or try to sooth him in his crib. One of us would sleep seperate in the guest bedroom so at least the other could sleep(we are both attorneys, so our jobs require some level of executive functioning during the day). So one night, I broke down and put him in my bed around 3, and walla, he slept. The next night he was up five or six times between bedtime and again at about 3 my husband gave in. A few days later I got sick... with pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for 5 days (I do not smoke). The doctors kept asking how long I had been so sick and frankly, I hadn't noticed- because I was SO totally exhausted all the time and at wits end... I just thought I was a mom who was tired!
While I was away, my husband let our son sleep with him. And for the first time in almost two months, they both actually slept. I remember when I came home, I was annoyed, but what could I say to a man whose wife was in the hospital and who had been trying to take care of his son when he was totally exhausted? I was too tired to care, but as I watched him laying between us in bed the first night I came home, I couldn't help but feel this sense of guilt as I thought: "I swore I would never be one of those kid-in-my-bed people".
I'm one of them now. At 8 months, I've had the best three weeks of sleep since he was born. He doesn't "cuddle" or disturb us, he just sleeps better for some reason. And he wakes up happy, takes naps (IN HIS CRIB!) readily, and I don't know what else to say, other then, "it doesn't always work for everyone." I regret that I went through more than a month of that crying before letting go of the notion that what works for some kid because I read it in a book, will work for my kid. If being a parent were that easy, we'd all buy a manual and raise little drones.
So... Did I like the book? Yes. I think he's right that kids NEED sleep. Do I think that if you just hang in there- the crying will stop eventually? I don't know... more than a month was too long and I'd never do it again. Our pediatrician told us he believes a child at 7 months should never cry more than an hour. He also told us that he grew up in Bombay, slept in his parent's bed 'till he was 8, and turned out perfectly normal (and sleeps fine, without some weird attachment problem today) (that was in response to our very embarrased "well, he's been sleeping with us...") So maybe he's biased because in other countries they would never do the "put your kid in a crib and let them cry" method. Or MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, there is no perfect sleep solution that works for every kid. Maybe you can be coddled and turn out normal, or cry it out and have sleep problems later. I know plenty of people who slept all night like perfec babies in cribs who are on Lunestra and Ambien today...
Point is... read them all, or read none. At the end of the day, try different methods and don't beat yourself up when you choose something different than you read from one doctor last week. There's a book for everything and every kind of parenting, and 1000 parents who will march to the beat of that drum (or drink the cool-aid, depending on how you look at it!).
Be a parent, be flexible, and if you don't want to let your kid cry for a few weeks, put this one back on the shelf.
Book Review: Should be titled NEGLECT YOUR CHILD
Summary: 1 Stars
I find it disturbing and saddening that people would praise this book. I don't care what some parents say about Weissbluth's technique working for them; in my opinion, you are neglecting your child and ignoring your responsibilities as a parent if you let your child cry for hours, let her vomit in her crib from sobbing so hard, and lock the bedroom doors so she can't "bother" you when you decide to go to sleep. Since when did parenting become a job that ended at your bedtime? Why should your child panic and feel abandoned because you're worried about getting your own "shut-eye?" How is it healthy for a child to finally learn to fall asleep after realizing he can't rely on his parents to soothe him?
I do not want to give a merely emotional response in this book review, so let me assure you that I read this book with as practical and rational a mindset as anyone else. Like most other parents who finally turned to this book, I struggled with getting my toddler to sleep at night and to sleep through the night. She would scream as if being tortured and my husband and I felt like we had no control over our lives because we were always at our daughter's call. Finally I decided to try something different and, at the urging of my sister-in-law, checked out this book. Thank God I didn't actually spend my money and buy it. Although I admire Weissbluth's factual information and am convinced that sleep deprivation is harmful to children, I find his book extremely difficult to read. One topic would be discussed on, for example, pages 27, 51, 114, and 203, forcing you to jump all over the place to gain a solid understanding of that particular issue. The only way I was able to address my issues was by opening a Word document on my computer and typing notes that I had highlighted throughout the book. In other words, Weissbluth doesn't provide cross-referencing, nor does he provide clear-cut solutions, but rather makes you work to find them. Plus, he only touches on the surface. He doesn't tell what to do when the toddler who cried for an hour before falling asleep wakes in the middle of the night crying again. He also doesn't address an issue that another reviewer brought up: How to deal with a toddler who becomes terrified of her bedroom, and especially her crib, because she associates it as the place where her parent abandons her. Also, the book is contradictory. As one reviewer pointed out, Weissbluth stresses the importance of putting a child to sleep at the same time every night, yet on another page he says parents should be flexible and put their child to bed based on the time she woke from her nap, her attitude that day, etc. What on earth?... I tried to organize his advice into an outline like I made in college, but finally I gave up. I am desperate for advice and do not have time to organize Weissbluth's book into a chart with Roman numerals and alphabetized sections so I can make some sense of his book! Who has time for that?
Basically, if you want to skip past the research and know what this book suggests, I'll tell you: Let your child cry. Do not peek in on her. Do not talk to her at night. Wake her at the same time every morning, put her down for a nap at the same time every afternoon, and lay her down to sleep at the same time every evening and close the door behind you without looking back. When she cries, turn up the volume on the TV or go sit in your car and listen to the radio. Basically, Weissbluth has one goal in mind: Getting the child to sleep. Admirable, I suppose. But I would admire him much more if he would consider how much emotional and psychological damage could be done to a child whose parents never respond to her cries.
So what happened with my toddler?... My husband and I tried Wiessbluth's advice. My daughter stood in her crib crying and shrieking and shaking violently all over, screaming for me and even trying to climb out of the crib. She was not misbehaving, as Weissbluth suggests. She was absolutely terrified because she was alone and didn't know where we were. After listening to her cry for some time, I (on the verge of an anxiety attack and feeling absolutely rotten) called my mother for some good old-fashioned advice. "Why on earth," she said, "are you letting your daughter cry for you? You're there to comfort her. Go do it!" It was the best advice I've ever received. I ran upstairs and held my daughter and told her, "I'm sorry," over and over again. She did not act superior because she had "won," as Weissbluth seems to think she would act. She did not try to dominate me the next day or throw endless tantrums. Nothing about her changed - but I changed. I regret ever following Weissbluth's advice. Please, don't put your child through that. The fact that you're looking for parenting advice shows that you care about your child. Find some other, more sensitive way to help her learn to sleep.
Book Review: Strong Sears supporter recognizes wisdom in Weissbluth also
Summary: 4 Stars
UPDATE --
I re-read everything I wrote previously and it's all still true -- I think Weissbluth knows about that which he writes, but never forget that YOU know your own child best. I lost a lot of sleep over this book three years ago because I tormented myself for "failing" my son when it "wasn't working." Give yourself more credit! That said, my three-month-old daughter is a textbook sleeper for the most part. She is the one that I was convinced didn't exist when my son was this age. I've been able to put her down awake 75% to 90% of the time since she was born without her crying at all. To be honest, I'm still somewhat shocked about it. This just reinforces that the best path is to respond to your individual child's needs as best you can because each is SUCH an individual. I handle my daughter the same way I handled my son regarding attached parenting and sleep and she just "gets" going to sleep much more so than he did.
What also intrigues me is how spot-on the sleep patterns are -- my daughter's naps are still all over the map despite my attempts to adhere to a routine when possible, but when she's down for the night she's down -- with a few nighttime feedings, naturally, as she ends up in bed with my husband and me. My son still goes to bed early at almost 4 years old, gave up his nap early (2 1/2) in favor of earlier bedtime (6:00 then, 6:45ish now) and having the evenings "free" really works for my husband and me -- family time is in the morning. Do what works for YOU, your kids, and your whole family -- that's the most important thing!
Original review --
I have been a mom for six months now and I've learned more than I would have imagined. Most importantly I recognize that nothing in life is as straightforward as any book makes it out to be and it took me a long time to come to terms with that. I have waited for the day that I could write a review of this book reporting my AMAZING results. I decided to write now instead!
My son slept in bed with my husband and me for the first five months. We did it because we believed that was where a baby should be, and it worked for all of us. My son also did all his napping in a cloth sling. As he grew, this started NOT working for us, and I did some serious soul-searching.
I consider myself an attached parent. I have difficulty bearing my son crying, ever. If my son would have been able to continue napping with me I would have done it. But he didn't. Every time I would put him down, he would immediately wake up, either at bedtime or for a nap. It got to the point that he would go 12 hours during the day without any sleep at all and only be able to get to sleep at night nursing. He wasn't a raging beast, he just seemed like he needed more sleep. My gut, my instinct said sleep was important and that he wasn't getting it. Especially when people said, "When he needs to sleep, he'll sleep!" Not my social butterfly!
I wholeheartedly support attachment parenting, especially sleeping with your children -- as long as it works for everyone. My husband wasn't comfortable with the idea of our son in our bed for the long haul, so we decided to try Weissbluth's book upon many friends' recommendations.
I believe Weissbluth knows what he is talking about. I have observed my son for two months now and can see the periods of wakefulness in his arousals at night, the maximum time he can be awake without becoming overtired... all these things make sense and I have seen them in my son. He now takes two naps (which vary in length daily) and I put him down awake. I also put him to bed awake at night. MOST of the time, this works without causing him distress. Sometimes it doesn't, and we both cry for a while.
As I said at the beginning, I waited to write a review so I could report a "perfect" result... Life isn't perfect. When my sweet baby needs to sleep, I try to help and let him take it from there. Most of the time he gets there without getting crabby; sometimes he's ticked. Life is like that. I don't think I'd be doing him any favors if I wasn't consistent.
You know your own child. If your child needs you, you know. If your child is overtired, you know. This book will help you slowly but surely figure out how to keep your child from being overtired and most of the time it will work. I still have trouble coping when he has trouble getting to sleep, but certainly all of us are in better spirits more and more often, because my son is much more well rested.
I absolutely believe sincere effort to observe your own child and watch his or her cues is the key -- you want to give your child what he or she needs. All parents do. Sleep is a big need. Good luck!
Book Review: A Must-Read for New Parents
Summary: 4 Stars
I bought this book when my firstborn was only a few weeks old after having attempted and rejected (with many tears and much guilt) the Babywise "one-size-fits-all" and "just-trust-me-it-works" approach to infant sleep. I am a professional who works with the infant and toddler population, and what I wanted in a book on infant sleep was some hard data and research to support the author's position. Dr. Weissbluth does, I think, a wonderful job of supporting his position with his own clinical data as well as other research on childhood sleep patterns. Within a few days of implementing his "watch for signs of tiredness" trick and the two-hour limit on awake time for my son, I went from an insecure new parent with an I'm-inadequate-and-a-horrible-mother attitude (the result of the Babywise guilt-trip) to a confident partner of my newborn in developing his healthy sleep patterns. In fact, I feel so confident in my abilities now that I don't plan on pulling this book off of the shelf very often when my second child is born in two months. I already know what to expect and when to expect it in regards to my daughter's sleep patterns, and I know how my behavior can shape my baby's sleep habits in the future.The most valuable part of Dr. Weissbluth's book is that he consistently reassures the parent that, although he has knowledge about childhood sleep patterns, each parent is the specialist in his or her own child. I took the recommendations from his book and, once implemented, found that all he had really taught me was to observe my son's behavior to judge how well-rested he was and to trust my own instincts as a parent. Just from watching my son I learned that his limit for being awake at an early age was only 90 minutes and that he would start to hiccup and reach for his ears when he was hitting his maximum level of stimulation. I would then quickly whisk him off to a quiet and darkened room and watch him fall asleep without any crying at all. What a miracle!
With this early sleep training, my son and I avoided much of the turmoil that many parents go through. He started sleeping through the entire night (12 hours) at three months of age. I can count on two hands the number of times I have had to let him cry himself to sleep (and those episodes never lasted more than 30 minutes, even as a self-assured little toddler), and he is now two years of age. When I tell him that it is time for bed or for his nap, I get smiles and enthusiasm, not tantrums. He loves his routine and he loves to be well rested! (Don't we all?) I'm sure that part of the success of my son has been his own special personality, but I am equally convinced that his good behavior is related to his being well-rested, and this I attribute to the fact that he learned as a small infant to fall asleep when he is tired. Thank you, Dr. Weissbluth!
The reason I give the book four stars and not five is that Dr. Weissbluth needs to find himself a good editor. The revised edition of this book is an improvement, although a small one, on the original version. Ironically, his organization (or disorganization, I should say) of the book reminds me of some hyperactive and sleep-deprived person trying to get his thoughts out all at once.
Nevertheless, I strongly recommend this book and have done so frequently in my professional role in working with families. Even if you strongly oppose sleep-training or "crying-it-out," there is something of value to you in this book. Learning to read your child's sleep cues, knowing the biological basis for infant sleep and how they relate to your own child, and having a framework for what "typical" sleep patterns look like for most (but not all) infants is valuable information for parents on either side of the "crying-it-out" fence. Dr. Weissbluth takes a wonderfully moderate approach to this issue (compared to the abomination of Babywise!) by discouraging letting a baby cry to sleep before four months of age (and a no-guilt disclaimer to revisit the issue when the infant is older if it causes the parents too much stress) and limiting the length of time a parent should let an infant cry before intervening. Having perused many parenting books on a variety of topics for my job, I would list this one as my "sleep Bible."