Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool
by Hal Edward Runkel
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Book Summary Information
Author: Hal Edward RunkelEdition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2008-08-19
ISBN: 0767927435
Number of pages: 240
Publisher: Three Rivers Press
Book Reviews of Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool
Book Review: SINGLE MOM OF FOUR has her voice back!
Summary: 5 Stars
I've only had this book for ONE week, and moms and dads out there this book is a great book for ANYONE who wants their children to obey, be respectful, and get along with their siblings and anyone else.
This book isn't 1,000 pages, it's not centered on religious faith or doctrine, though I believe the author is Christian. It focuses on logical basic psychology. You will read reviews that are over the top, calling the author a Godsend and that the material inside is AMAZING, but the truth is it's so logical and practical you will eventually say to yourself,"hmm why didn't I do this in the first place?"
the author doesn't even focus on the details such as spanking, time outs, grounding, or writing lines. He leaves that up to the parents, warning that the consequences (which most parents got in the habit of referring to as punishments) should be something we are comfortable doing, that they fit the crime. And of course everything needs to be done with a cool head, when we calm ourselves down and he talks extensively about calming ourselves down before we deal out consequences, we tend to be more logical in our decision making.
This book reminds me that my children are capable of being trained, which is why I yelled and lectured and nagged my children to death. I truly didn't think they were understanding me. I mean if they DID understand me they'd have obeyed me, right? But children do not misbehave or break rules because they don't understand the rules or consequences. They misbehave and break rules because they aren't given any real consequences that would make them truly stop their bad behavior. We convince ourselves that screaming is the punishment, that lecturing is the logical choice when in fact screaming is easily endured and all it does is make us look out of control, because we are. And lecturing and nagging make us annoying and unapproachable, NOT respectful, logical, strong, and authoritative.
So the next morning I pointed out the rules and consequences list that I have had on the hall wall for 2months. I apologized to my four children ages 11,10,8 and 5 for writing this list and NEVER following through with it. I apologizes for saying many times that that list is a joke because you guys never follow the rules on it, when in reality I WAS THE JOKE because I never followed the through on the consequences. I apologized to my children for being lazy and I did all this without being condescending and angry. I showed them the book and the older three were pleased.
They loved the title and were happy to know that their mother is FINALLY going to stop screaming, you could see a look of calm on them. I believe at one point I felt they were proud of me. But what they didnt realize is that their life was going to get a little uncomfortable at first.
I clearly said, "No more yelling guys, no more screaming, no more lecturing and nagging."
"it's about time," said my 11 yr. old daughter.
"Finally we can be happy!," my 10 yr. old son agreed.
My 10 year old son who actually does have a gift of reason slowly asked,"um well if you're not going to scream exactly what are you going to do?" His older brother and sister looked at him oddly. Didn't he just hear what was said. Because in their heads they heard,"I WILL NOT BOTHER YOU ALL ANYMORE." funny, that's not what I actually said though.
"glad you asked," I said. That's when I began apologizing for not following the rules. that's when it became very clear that spankings, time outs, groundings and writing lines were actually going to be implemented.
I did get some horrified looks and I'm sure they thought I didn't get the message of the book. Parents are suppose to be kind and nice to their kids not spank and ground them. They don't get that their consequences for everything. And the author goes into great detail about this subject! This concept has and will change my life as a mother forever!!
So spankings have been dealt, groundings have been given and lines have been written. And though my childrens consequences may not be on your list of consequences it works for me and my family business plan. And that's the beauty of the book, it doesn't go into YOUR beliefs and philosophies. It simply focuses on being respectable, consistent, calm and thorough.
These four kids are in complete shock! At first the two older ones were horrified and seething with anger, not that I saw much evidence of that because I calmly told them that I do NOT allow open displays of anger and rudeness. They are allowed to be angry and upset in their rooms which is their "space". But soon they got it! In a week!! Once the 8 yr. old was trying to explain why he just can't do what I ordered him to do and my oldest said calmly, obey she said no. I was taken aback by that. She was the one who perfected the art of arguing and yet she's the one pointing out the senselessness of it. I do say ONE maybe two things before I dish out the consequences but they are not lengthy lectures or pleadings or guilt trips anymore! The incident where my 8 yr old questioned me is a great example. I simply told him that I might make mistakes but I will not be questioned by him or his siblings for anything. I gave him an order and it needs to be immediately be obeyed. No if, ands or buts. We as parents have to start taking offense to our children thinking they are smarter than us. We think we are obligated in letting THEM say their piece or let them negotiate and explain why they just can't do as we say! I am guilty of that.
By allowing them to stop me from parenting, by allowing them to CHANGE my mind, change the orders, change the rules I was devaluing myself as a their mother. I was giving THEM control of MY life and of MY "business".
That's the hard part. We are constantly told to hear the child out, to listen to his views. BUT if and when we do that it MUST be after OUR views and rules have been followed. But like any business we should have a business plan and we should ALREADY know why we want what we want for our family and our home. So there is no reason to change ANYTHING, not even if your precious 8 yr. old makes sense. If anything he can be praised for being smart enough to see it differently but while he's being appreciated you are the head of your household and the rules will stay as they are.
This book has only been in my home a week and I look forward to when I can pass it down to my children. There may have been a couple of reprints till then but I can at least pass down the example I am as a parent.
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Summary of Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool
You Can Start a Revolution in Your Family . . . TonightScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering your voice. It?s about learning to calm your emotional reactions and learning to focus on your own behavior more than your kids? behavior . . . for their benefit. Our biggest enemy as parents is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional reactivity. When we say we ?lost it? with our kids, the ?it? in that sentence is our own adulthood. And then we wonder why our kids have so little respect for us, why our kids seem to have all the power in the family.
It?s time to do it differently. And you can. You can start to create and enjoy the types of calm, mutually respectful, and loving relationships with your kids that you?ve always craved. You can begin to revolutionize your family, starting tonight.
Parenting is not about kids, it?s about parents.
If you?re not in control, then you cannot be in charge.
What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what.
Easier said than done? Not anymore, thanks to ScreamFree Parenting, the principle-based approach that?s inspiring parents everywhere to truly revolutionize their family dynamics. Moving beyond the child-centered, technique-based approaches that ultimately fail, the ScreamFree way compels you to:
focus on yourself
calm yourself down, and
grow yourself up
By staying calm and connected with your kids, you begin to operate less out of your deepest fears and more out of your highest principles, revolutionizing your relationships in the process.
ScreamFree Parenting is not just another parenting book. It?s the first parenting
book that maintains?from beginning to end?that parenting is NOT about kids . . . it?s about parents. As parents pay more attention to controlling their own behavior instead of their kids? behavior, the result is stronger, more rewarding, and more fulfilling family relationships.
For those of you reading who are parents, know parents, or have had parents, the notion that the greatest thing you can do for your children is to learn to focus on yourself may sound strange, even heretical. It?s not. Here?s why: we are the only ones we can control. We cannot control our kids?we cannot control the behavior of any other human being. And yet, so many ?experts? keep giving us more tools (?techniques?) to help us try to do just that. And, of course, the more we try to control, the more out of control our children become.
?Don?t make me come up there.? ?Don?t make me pull this car over.? ?How many times do I have to tell you?? Even our language suggests that our kids have control over us.
It?s no wonder that we end up screaming. Or shutting down. Or simply giving up. And the charts, refrigerator magnets, family meetings, and other techniques in most typical parenting books just don?t work. They end up making us feel more frustrated and more powerless in this whole parenting thing.
This practical, effective guide for parents of all ages with kids of all ages introduces proven principles for overcoming the anxieties and stresses of parenting and setting new patterns of connection and cooperation. Well-written in an engaging, conversational tone, the book is sensible, straightforward, and based on the experiences of hundreds of actual families. It will help all parents become calming authorities in their homes, bring peace to their families today, and give kids what they need to grow into caring, self-directed adults tomorrow.
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