Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People
by Mark I. Rosen

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Book Reviews of Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People

Book Review: "Difficult people" as a Divine gift
Summary: 5 Stars

I say "almost" because Rosen is careful not to assume that "difficult" people really _do_ intend harm; on the contrary, he repeatedly contends, many apparently difficult people don't really have any idea that they're doing something wrong. For that matter, many of them _aren't_ doing anything wrong; sometimes the problem is in ourselves only, and _we_ are the ones who are being "difficult." (Everybody is difficult to somebody, says Rosen. And genuine evil, he thinks, is a rarity, although it does exist.)

But however that may be, Rosen takes the view that there is a spiritual lesson for us hidden inside every one of our dealings with other people, that we will have to keep retaking the lesson until we learn it, and that ultimately the only way to guarantee that we can deal effectively with "difficult" people is to change ourselves in accordance with such lessons. And in chapter after chapter, he sets out exercises and questions that are intended to help us do just that.

Rosen's approach is firmly grounded in Judaism (and clearly inspired by the Musar movement, especially R. Moshe Hayyim Luzzatto's _The Path of the Upright_, from which Rosen quotes on page one). But he is careful to present advice that carries over to other religions and spiritual traditions, and indeed to quote from representatives of those traditions -- or of none -- when they have something apropos to say. (I like his choices; his quotations range from Ambrose Bierce's "Devil's Dictionary" to Saint Jerome to Shakespeare to Groucho Marx to the Christian New Testament.) It is therefore suitable for readers of any religious persuasion, although for obvious reasons it will be most helpful to readers who believe in a providential God.

The exercises themselves look helpful, and although I haven't tried many of them yet, they seem to comport very well with the sorts of things I already do. And aside from the exercises themselves, the book is full of terrific advice, in particular on the subject of taking an interest in other people's well-being without turning oneself into a doormat.

If Rosen's approach were more widely adopted, it would not only grease the wheels of our relationships with those we find "difficult," but also go some way toward restoring the idea of a "common good" to the place of respect it deserves. For Rosen's most essential advice is surely that we need not sacrifice our own interests in promoting those of others -- that, on the contrary, the most effective way of dealing with "difficult" people is to realize that we are on the same side if only we could see it.

Summary of Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People

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