That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships
by Deborah Tannen
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Book Summary Information
Author: Deborah TannenEdition: Mass Market Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 1987-03-12
ISBN: 0345340906
Number of pages: 224
Publisher: Ballantine Books
Book Reviews of That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships
Book Review: Incredible! Eye-opener. NOW I GET IT!
Summary: 5 Stars
If you were to tell me a tiny yellowed 20-year-old plus paperback that looks like it came from a B-rated garage sale would impact me in a hugely profound way, I would have laughed and not believed it at all. Then I might have humored you and bought it for a nickel and thrown it away when I got home.
Well I sure learned the lesson of the ages: Never judge a book by its cover!
Deborah Tannen presents an incredible and insightful objective analysis of the subtle nuances of "linguistics". Linguistics is the "firewood" of speech communication. I never, ever, realized the peculiar mechanics behind a "normal" conversation, much less a conversation that deteriorates into a major misunderstanding or conflict. This book stands at the gateway as an incredibly informative toolkit that can be used to positively revolutionize communicating within any type of personal relationship.
The very instant I began understanding differences in communication styles and other mechanical aspects of communication, I was able to reclaim ground lost to arguments, mistrust, fear, and anger. This book gave me a full toolbox to not only repair broken communication, but to also adapt my conversation style to effectively speak and listen in situations and with people I never thought I could be possible. I don't have to change the world to get them to understand me, I learn how to change me and the way I present myself to the world. And miraculously, the world understands.
Just as an example, imagine that you and your spouse have been at odds about something very important to you. Instead of insisting that there's something wrong with her or him, and struggling to make the point over and over so they understand, you were able to reach into a toolbox and pull out a wrench, make a few adjustments, then suddenly it's like talking to a different person. That's how profound conversational style can effect another person. Here's the irony: if you think the loose screws were in your spouse's head, better think again. You use these wrenches on your own loose screws.
I approached a conversational topic with a loved one that had been like dropping a lit match into a box of roman candles. Before I started this next conversation, I picked up a handy tool from Tanner's kit. An opportunity presented itself rather suddenly, and I "framed" my idea with three simple words "I'm being direct". The worried expression literally fell from her face, she looked me dead in the eyes and said with a smile "OK." I paused and thought to myself "what just happened?" I had her undivided attention AND a SMILE. How hard can it be to talk about anything with a loved one who's smiling at you and giving you her undivided attention?
She listened attentively with her eyes square looking into mine, and I did just as I said. I was unquestionably direct. Not only did I get her approval, she became enthusiastic and eager to join me with this endeavor. My head was spinning. "Wait? Did I just hear you right?" was my first thought, but before I could say anything else, she had my hand and was pulling me out of my chair to start moving with my idea.
This book is amazing. Not only has it drastically improved my communication ability, it's also enhanced my observations and "feelings" about the state of mind of the person I choose to talk with. It allows me to make small adjustments to keep communication forthright and on target.
If you've ever spoken the title of this book in exasperation, you need to read it!
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Summary of That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships
Often it's not what you say, but how you say it, that counts. Deborah Tannen, the internationally-acclaimed expert on communication and author of the bestselling YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, will help you recognize your own conversational style and how it meshes or clashes with the styles of others. Entertaining and informative, everyone who speaks will want to read this gem.Emotions Books
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