The Five Love Languages of Children
by Gary D. Chapman, Ross Campbell, Ross Campbell MD
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Book Reviews of The Five Love Languages of Children
Book Review: Ross Campbell's Contributions Detract From Gary Chapman's Concept
Summary: 3 Stars
After reading Gary Chapman's original Five Love Languages, I was thoroughly impressed and put the advice to work in my own marriage immediately with almost instant positive results. I could hardly wait to finish the book so I could dig into The Five Love Languages of Children.
For the most part, the book offers good advice. If you didn't come from a family where your "love tank" was full and you are unsure how to go about helping your child feel loved, this book truly is an excellent resource. If you are a conservative Christian who is anti-divorce and believes children can never recover emotionally from divorce and that single-parent families are sub-par, you won't really have any complaints with this book. In fact, you'll probably give it five stars. Similarly, if you have a supportive family and/or church family, you'll also find comfort in these pages.
However, if you came from a painful background yourself, you happen not to be Christian, or you are a divorced or single parent, you might have a few hesitations and find yourself feeling a major disconnect, particularly toward the last quarter of the book. Campbell emphasizes church involvement, and often cites Scripture. At one point, Campbell tells the story of a boy whose parents divorced when he was 9. The boy and his brothers supposedly grew up never feeling like their situation was abnormal in any way, and now he and his brothers are all happily married. The reader is led to believe this is the result of the family "[coming] under Christian influence" following the divorce and having "received Christ as their Savior". Aside from this rosy story, Campbell seems to paint the outlook for children of divorce as grim at best, saying that the trauma of divorce is more detrimental to a child than the death of a parent and citing a study which indicates that the negative emotions surrounding the split of their parents are often still going strong at least ten years later. Either these stories conflict, or Campbell is basically proselytizing in a roundabout manner. What I drew from this is that Campbell is suggesting that, if you're going to inflict the pain and suffering of divorce on your child, first feel miserably guilty about destroying them, then seek Jesus as your Savior immediately so your child can grow up and avoid being a statistic.
I should point out that I am married, that my husband is the father of both of my children, that we all live under the same roof, and that my husband and I are equally involved in the lives of our children - and Campbell still manages to offend me.
Bottom line: The Five Love Languages of Children is a good book with good advice. It is thought-provoking in mostly positive ways and will offer some insight - especially for parents who did not have such wonderful examples in life growing up. But Campbell seems to have a pointed agenda, which some may find comforting and others may find blatantly offensive. The book would have been much better if Chapman had left Campbell out of it. I think you can gather all you need to know by reading the original Five Love Languages, and some other parenting books specific to your own personal challenges, and thus I would not necessarily recommend this book.
Book Review: Miracle balm for your family life
Summary: 4 Stars
In his previous book "The Five Love Languages," best-selling author Gary Chapman contends that there are five major methods of love-giving ("love languages"), and each person responds differently to each type. Each person also "speaks" a primary love language, and responds strongly to one of the types of love-giving. Chapman identifies these love languages as: physical touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation. In order to best make someone feel loved, you must "speak" their primary love language to them. In this book, Chapman is teamed up with best-selling author Ross Campbell, who has written some very successful books on relationships with children. The premise of this book is that the love languages are not only applicable to the adults in your life, but to your children as well, and can in fact have a major effect on their behavior and happiness.
The book begins with a general discussion of love languages, some stories illustrating the dramatic difference that utilizing the knowledge of love languages has made in some parents' relationships with their children, and an overview of the book. Chapman and Campbell then discuss each love language in a chapter of its own, complete with real-life examples of each love language in the lives of parents and children.
The book then launches into a discussion of discipline (do NOT use a form of discipline related to your child's love language, warn the authors), as well as a brief discussion of the effect that the love language theory can have on your adult relationships (for a more in-depth discussion, see Chapman's "The Five Love Languages"). There is also quite a long discussion of "passive agressiveness" which I thought to be a bit overkill, but I'm sure is very important in the treatment of the topic (I have a feeling that this is co-author Ross Campbell's pet subject).
The information in this book is very powerful and has the potential to radically alter your relationships with your children, as well as anyone else in your life. The testamonials are very convincing, and the fact that this book, as well as others in the "Love Languages" series have enjoyed such wild success is a testimony to their effectiveness. My only complaint really was that some of the writing occasionally tended toward the cheesy side, and that often I was aware of the differences in the voices of the two authors. These are unimportant complaints, however, and do not deter me from recommending the book highly!
This book would be useful reading for any parent, no matter the quality of relationships within the family, as well as anyone else who is dealing with children on a regular basis (teachers, grandparents, babysitters, etc.).
Book Review: a must read for every parent
Summary: 5 Stars
This is a book that every parent should read. Whether or not you are a parent of a toddler or a teenager, after reading this book, you will learn how to interact with your children in a more productive manner.
The basic premise is that everyone reacts to five different love "languages." These are quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. However, each of us has a primary love "language" that we identify with more strongly. Once we figure out what our children's primary love language is, we will be able to better understand their personal communication methods. Even though children need to feel love through all five of the love languages, their primary love "tank" must be filled in order for the other languages to be affective.
The authors offer practical guides in how to figure out your child's primary love language and how to keep their "tanks" filled. They also offer excellent suggestions with disciplinary methods that won't affect your child's perceptions of the way they feel loved by their parents. I highly recommend this book to anyone with children or even for those planning to have them. Although this book focuses mainly on children, the same principles can be applied to adults and our relationships with our spouses or friends as well. As a matter of fact, the authors have written other books for such relationships.
After reading this book, I can definitely see how these concepts applied to my childhood as well as my life as an adult now. I believe that, as I was growing up, my primary love "language" was "quality time." Looking back, I can see that the other love languages were not as effective if my primary love "tank" wasn't filled. For example, If I had received a great gift from someone, it didn't mean as much to me if I hadn't felt like they recently spent much quality time with me. As an adult, my love language has definitely changed. Now, I respond much more positive to "words of affirmation" than anything else. This goes a long way to explain why when someone "puts me down" or otherwise makes me feel unwanted with their words why I intend to take it very personally. They are using my love language against me. I especially notice this when my children scream at me out of anger. It makes me feel like they don't like or love me, even though I know this not to be true. The book strongly urges parents, when disciplining, to not use the same love language that their child most closely relates to. It can be excruciating for them. This, I believe, is the most important aspect of learning to use the love languages. It can also be the hardest as it often requires us change our more reactionary insticts when dealing with our children.
Book Review: Is the Love You're Giving What Your Child Is Receiving?
Summary: 5 Stars
Chapman, with co-writer Ross Campbell, M.D., have written The Five Love Languages Of Children, which applies the love language theory to children. How can you tell your child's main love language? Chapman offers these suggestions:1. Observe how your child expresses love to you.
Chapman and Campbell: Watch your child; he may well be speaking his own language. This is particularly true of a young child, who is very likely to express love to you in the language he desires most to receive.
I've seen this with my own 4 1/2 year old. Noah will come up to me or my husband, and try to engage us in a wrestling match. Or he'll pat our arms, give us a hug, etc. He has shown us that his main love language is that of Physical Touch!
2. Observe how your child expresses love to others.
If you notice your child making crafts for relatives, or wanting to take presents to classmates or teacher, this may indicate that her primary love language is Gifts.
3. Listen to what your child requests most often.
If your child often asks you questions like "How do I look, Mommy?", "What do you think of my drawing?", or "Did you think I did well at practice today?", this pattern may indicate that his love language is Words of Affirmation.
4. Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
Frequent complaints such as "You never have time for me", "Why don't you play games with me?", or "We never do things together" would be indicative of the need for Quality Time.
5. Give your child a choice between two options.
Chapman and Campbell suggests to lead your child to make choices between two love language. For example, a Dad might say to his son, "I have some free time Saturday. Would you like me to fix your bike, or would you rather go to the park together and shoot some hoops?". The choice is between Acts of Service and Quality Time. A mother may say, "I have some time tonight. Would you like to go shopping, and I'll help you pick out a new outfit, or would you rather stay home and we'll do a puzzle together?" You've given her the choice between Gifts and Quality Time.
Chapman and Campbell explain: As you give options for several weeks, keep a record of your child's choices. If most of them tend to cluster around one of the five love languages, you have likely discovered which one makes your child feel most loved. At times, your child will not want either option, and will suggest something else. You should keep a record of those requests also, since they may give you clues.
Of course, the choices you offer your child will depend on age and interest.
I highly recommend this book for understanding your child's own unique love languages, and how you can better fill his or her "love tank"!
Book Review: Love your child the way they need it from you most!
Summary: 5 Stars
My six-year old daughter and I bicker. I read this book as a way to learn to address this issue before it gets out of hand and I've learned so much! To use the five love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and quality time) to keep her emotional love tank full. The book states that when a child's love tank is full, your discipline will be more readily received. Also the way I discipline now has improved: first I make her feel loved by speaking her primary love language, then stay calm (being an example of anger managed) and explain what she did wrong and what the discipline is (always keeping it fair to the "crime") and then giving her her primary love language again at the end. I learned that I am doing many things right especially allowing and really listening to her express her verbal anger. This is actually good because if you don't allow children to do that they will just bottle it up inside and you can't train them plus the anger may come out as passive-aggresive behavior and more. Ideally this book would be great to read while your children are young but it makes the excellent point that it is never too late to start changing how you treat your children, even if they are grown. I highly and whole-heartedly recommend this book to parents, teachers, aunts, uncles--all adults who have dealings with children. You will learn a great deal that can make the people you love in your life truly feel loved by you which will open them up to become happy and mature adults. Also there is a chapter about speaking the love languages in marriage which is helpful. "Someone has said, 'The best way to love your children is to love their mother [father.]' That's true." There's another whole book on The Five Love Languages--How to Express Heartfelt Love and Commitment to your Mate. Read them both and see how happy you can make the ones you love! And in giving out love, the love will flow right back to you! o8E
Soar!