The Four Loves
by C.S. Lewis
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Book Reviews of The Four Loves
Book Review: Thoughts on why marriage/long-term relationships fail
Summary: 4 Stars
~ How being true friends can help us stay in love for the long haul ~
CS Lewis' eloquent depiction of what true friendship is in his book 'The Four Loves' provided much fodder for thought. It has struck a chord as to why some marriages and long-term relationships become trying after a while.
The following are helpful quotes on the characteristics of "true friends", which is very different from the everyday usage of the word "friends":
1) Friends operate side by side. They let you be you and are not duty-bound. 'Don't mention it' is the way they really feel. They do not impose nor do they burden us with demands or expectations.
2) There is no jealousy or rivalry. They are truly happy for us when our external circumstances may take a turn for the better vis-à-vis theirs;
3) Companionship is not friendship. Friendship begins with the pleasant discovery of common interests, 'What? You too?' and involves not only being absorbed in congenial activities but growing mutual interests as the friendship deepens over time.
4) A friend needs not agree with us about our answers and would stop at the onset of any arguments by agreeing to `Let's just agree to disagree';
5) Common quest which unites friends does not absorb them in such a way that they remain ignorant or oblivious of one another. A true friend is never uninterested or uninquisitive about our affairs, no matter how many times they might have heard about our issues and are ever-ready to present help in any way they can;
7) Eros (lovers) have naked bodies but true friends have naked personalities - they dare to be honest and are not fearful of showing the best and worst in us
8) Proverbs 17:17 - "A friend loves at all times", with the sort of love that covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).
Marriage is the closest human relationship ordained by God where a man is to leave his family and be cleaved as one flesh with the woman in betrothal (Genesis 2: 14). Marriage is much more than just legitimizing or maintaining a healthy sex life or coming together for the purpose of procreation. Since it is not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2: 18), a married couple is supposed to be each other's best friends or soul mates who click and have fun together, completing each other in this side of Heaven.
The crux is the depth of our friendship with our spouse determines how much and how long we shall remain in love with each other. The feeling of being 'in love' can be a powerful motivating force that oils the engines of our marriages and long-term relationships. Otherwise marriage is a tall order (even for practicing Christians) and one that would be doomed to fail or stuck in the mire of low-level stability where people stay in loveless marriages for the sake of their kids or avoid being social stigmas.
Unfortunately, many couples fail to remain true friends in every sense of the words. Many marriages and long-term relationships become duty-bound/obligations-driven/debt-repaying where jealousy rides high and burdensome as participants demand constant affirmation/approval/agreement. Oftentimes these relationships degenerate into downright unloving.
We would need to search our hearts and honestly ask ourselves whether we have endeavored to remain true friends with our better halves, actively seeking God's help when the goings get tough. We learn to do this by choosing to adhere to biblical precepts on love (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8),
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails".
Even when it may deeply pain us to take every thought captive in fighting those accompanying raw emotions to be in obedience to God's words in the doing (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Regardless of how we are being treated in any given relationship, we are called to live in peace (Romans 12:18, 21) and to return good (love) for evil (unlove). Our religion would be worthless if we claim to love God but fail to demonstrate a loving attitude towards our spouses (who also happen to be our closest neighbors). There should never be any strings attached too - whether our partners have changed or not (in actuality or in our mere perception) or are deemed unlovely, unlovable and unloving.
Book Review: Relationships ARE Destiny
Summary: 5 Stars
Even more than most works by C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves" spans diverse life stages, offering golden wisdom not only to mature singles and married couples, but even to teenagers sorting out keys to friendship and romance.
Three themes are especially powerful tools for shaping rich, reliable, safe and empowering relationships, whether in friendship, in romance or in the family: 1) Relationships are destiny; 2) Extreme conformity is no act of love; and, 3) Controlling personalities eviscerate themselves and others.
1) RELATIONSHIPS ARE DESTINY: Lewis notes that friendships can be schools of virtue or schools of vice, as life companions tend to pipe into our lives their strongest traits and block out qualities alien to their nature. Thus we absorb wisdom, love for truth, courage and faith from virtuous friends, who also buffer us against self-inflicted wounds, corruption and spiritual inertia. What marital grief is saved for those who absorb this Lewis tip before locking in for life!
2) EXTREME CONFORMITY, SUBMISSION OR CAPITULATION IS NO ACT OF LOVE. Mindless self-surrender, notes Lewis, can amount to idolatry for those who relinquish control a mere human that should only be yielded to God. A woman who is to a man as a child is to an adult, adds the author, destroys hope even of genuine friendship. Furthermore, "a man would have to be...indeed a blasphemer," charges Lewis, if he accepts for himself such sovereignty over another person's life.
3) CONTROLLING PERSONALITIES EVISERATE THEMSELVES AND OTHERS. At extremes, both "need love" and "gift love" are used by covert-controllers. A "tyrannous and gluttonous demand for affection," notes Lewis, consumes not only the object of love but also the ravenous heart searching to be fed, rather than to love. Equally treacherous, notes Lewis, are those who exploit "gift love," such as "Mrs. Fidget" who slaved away for her family day and night. By giving them so much that they did not need, indeed, did not want, she put them in her debt, so they could hardly rest for jumping to please this woman who "lives for her family." Such a family colludes to sustain an illusion of warmth, while secret resentment simmers against those whose "love" leaves others impoverished emotionally. After her death, there were "astonishing" changes in the family, reports Lewis, as the husband could laugh, the children enjoyed staying home, and "even the dog, who was never allowed out except on a lead is now a well-known member of the Lamp-post Club."
Lewis notes that more overt controllers may seek to isolate partners from other relationships, clinging to "love" in ways that excludes others. But a wife who alienates her husband's male friends may create a spouse not "very well worth having; she has emasculated him," warns Lewis. Such a partner may accept this fate or go underground, adds the author, creating a secret life beyond spouse control. As a family counselor, I note that marital affairs commonly evolve out of desperate but treacherous attempts to salvage personal identity and escape a controlling partner. As Lewis observes, controllers inevitably lose what they seek to control, as those they strive to master are spiritually annihilated or driven away.
Through "The Four Loves," C.S. Lewis has given us a remarkable roadmap for safe, empowering, destiny-shaping relationships. In an era of disposable spouses, children and friends, we more than ever need such wisdom for relationship radar, spiritual protection, and at times, for survival.
REVIEWER: Beverly Hubble Tauke, LCSW, is author of "Overcoming Sins of the Family" and is a Virginia-based family counselor and lecturer.
Book Review: Timelessly good.
Summary: 5 Stars
This book was first published in 1960, and as such, I'm sure a lot of people might say "Hah. It is out of date. We've learned a lot about love since then!"
To which I would reply, "No we haven't. There's nothing new, really."
The subject matter of this book is just as applicable today as it was back then. And just as applicable as it was fifty years before Lewis wrote it, because it deals with timeless meanings and principles of love, albeit, from a decidedly Christian perspective.
He begins by distinguishing what he calls Need-love (based on need, such as the love of a child for its mother) from Gift-love (selfless, the kind of love we attribute to God, or to a loving father), and then divides love into four categories, based on the four Greek words for love.
Each word is treated in its own chapter.
Affection (storge) is described as fondness through familiarity, especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.
Friendship (philia) is a stronger bond that exists between people who share a common interest or activity. I love the part where he said In this kind of love, as Emerson said, Do you love me? means Do you see the same truth? - Or at least, "Do you care about the same truth?" The man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance, can be our Friend. He need not agree with us about the answer.
This kind of Friendship goes beyond mere Companionship. It's like a celebration of common ground, between people of similar interests and compatibility.
Then there is the Greek word Eros, which is love in the sense of 'being in love'. This is distinct from sexuality, which Lewis calls Venus, although he does discuss sexual activity and its spiritual significance in both a pagan and a Christian sense. He warns that if Eros is elevated to the status of a god, it has a tendency to self-destruct or at least not deliver what was promised or expected. However, he praises (to the rooftops, really) the proper (indispensable) function of Eros and Venus!
Charity (agape) is a love towards one's neighbour which does not depend on any loveable qualities that the object of love possesses. In this final chapter, Lewis presents quite a challenging and well-reasoned argument against living a life of "self-invited and self-protective lovelessness."
Overall, I think it a tremendously relevant book.
In probably the most radical statement found in the entire book, he says "The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
Book Review: Amazing analysis of loves
Summary: 5 Stars
I was not especially expecting to be engrossed by a book about four greek words, but I was wrong. This was one of the better books that I have ever read. Lewis overviews each of the four types of love: storge (affection), phileo (friendship), eros (romantic love), and agape (charity or God-love). Each discussion was extremely insightful, especially the friendship one.
He desribed storge as the kind of love we have for people whome we spend a lot of time with, but whom with we do not necessarily have a lot in common with. For example, if you have a sibling whom you do not share many interests with but whom you love nonetheless, it is probably storge. These are people whom you probably would not be friends with if you were not related to or neighbors to these people. Lewis notes that these are people we often do not really realize how much we loved until they are gone (or until we realize that they are those kind of people to us).
He had an amazing chapter on phileo and the gift of friendship as well. I won't go into much detail so that you can enjoy it more when you actually get around to reading it. Let me just say that it made me appreciate my friends much more, and changed my views on what a friend is. He had the amazing insight that each friend brings out a different part of you. He noted that his friendship with J. R. Tolkien was not quite the same after Charles Williams died, because Williams brought out parts of Tokien that Lewis did not. Very insightful.
Lewis' discussion of eros was very insightful as well. He discussed the nature of romantic love, and what romantic love looks like in a marriage. His main point seemed to be that eros loves the other person, and does not try to make the other person become more like himself.
Finally, Lewis discussed agape, the kind of love that gives with no expectancy to receive in return. The whole point of this book, through there may have been amazing sidenotes on the way, is that this is the only perfect love. All the other kinds of love can be twisted until they are no longer recognizable. Storge can degenerate into condescendence, phileo can consume us and destory our lives, and eros can degenerate into lust or domineering, but agape is uncorruptable.
I highly recommend this book. I can nearly guarantee that it will change the way that you think about love.
Overall grade: A+
Book Review: a prism and a map...
Summary: 4 Stars
C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves was not a book that I expected to reshape my thinking. I first picked it up while following the reading guide at the end of Lindskoog's Mere Christian. I thought it would be a fun read during valentine's season. One often is most vulnerable to the trap when one is not alert...And so, once more, C.S. Lewis has changed my thought on a broad portion of life. He's done it to me before--the Narnian Books, Mere Christianity, An Experiment In Criticism--have all been books that have greatly shaped me. Now I can add the Four Loves to the list.
One does not often sit down and ponder the different kinds of love. One may have generalized "loved ones" such as family and friends, we may "love" certain activities or places, we may even say we are "in love" ... but do we stop to consider our words?
Lewis spends time surveying the lay of love's different lands. Building on blocks of seemingly deepening emotion, he moves from looking at affection to friendship to erotic love (Eros) to the love of God (Agape). Each is looked at in detail, their meaning and impact on life is explored.
The most helpful thing about this book is that Lewis allows the reader to think about how they deal with their own loves in life. Does one stress a certain kind of love in an unhealthy way? Do we ignore the possibilities of one love because another kind holds too much sway in our lives?
I believe Lewis makes the case that God's love should be primary in the lives of humans. The other loves, though they can be wonderful in their place, can be used unnaturally and ineffectively to try and fill in for Agape if it is not felt. A healthy life will involve all four loves. Yet they must be rooted and grounded in Agape.
My own favorite passage in this book is in the friendship section. Dispelling the myth that an intense friendship between two people is always the best, Lewis notes that after his friend Charles (Williams) died, his friendship with J.R.R. Tolkien was something less than it was when Charles was still around--he could no longer appreciate Tolkien through the eyes of Williams. The passage is personal, poignant, and true to my own experience.
The Four Loves is a remarkable book. I give it my full recommendation.