The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence
by Gavin de Becker
|
List Price: Our Price: $7.67 You Save: $8.33 (52%) Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days Buy Used: from $3.32 (click here) Category: Book See more book details and other editions |
|---|
Book Reviews of The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence
Book Review: If you're unable to be clinically detached - if specific details of violent acts upset you - this isn't the book for you.
Summary: 1 Stars
This book may be ideal for those who are able to clinically detach themselves while dissecting acts of criminal violence to probe into the mindset of the perpetrators.
However, if you've actually been a victim of violence, and you're not entirely steady on your feet hearing such discussions carried out matter of fact-ly, then this book may trigger you to feel unwell - all without the benefit of conveyance of HOW to stay safe from such violence.
Case in point - the audio version (same as the print version I am told) opens with the detailed description of the way a stalking and rape played out. It was told in a cold, clinical manner and felt painful to hear. However, I told myself, "it's okay to listen - afterwards he'll describe how to counter each of the mistakes the victim made in this crime." The problem was, the author DID NOT describe point by point how to avoid this situation. Essentially, it all came down to the victim not following her intuition. Intuition - that's a vague tip. I'd rather he explained to me point by point as the story went along, "here is where she should have done THIS to save herself ..." It was simply unpleasant listening especially without a strong point for learning. These sorts of depressing, and sometimes gory, details can be found readily on the evening news. What I wanted from this book was training in avoiding such dangers.
Further along in the book, the author explained how we share many similarities with these criminals. That's interesting, I admit. I can see some of the point. We are all human. However, I couldn't help getting the feeling that maybe after all the author's own personal experiences of violence, and working with the criminally insane at points in his career, that maybe he was looking a little too deeply into the mind of the criminal and possibly getting a skewed view of these supposed similarities we share.
Further in the book, the author discussed the real life serial killer who was the inspiration for the Silence of the Lambs book and film. Then he began to detail exactly what this serial killer was "taking" from his victims. That tripped too big of a trigger for me. While it is necessary to be aware of general violence in order to stay safe from violence, that doesn't mean we need to know every last detail of the actions of these perpetrators. Way too much information.
In the end, there was a lot of dissection of crimes and criminals - but just a scant sprinkling of how to avoid becoming a victim by using our own intuition. I agree, we do need to hone our skills of observation - and I agree with the author that intuition is an extension of our observations - however, he needed to elaborate on just HOW to act on that intuition. In the opening story of the woman who was stalked and raped - when she was approached by the rapist who was offering to carry her grocery bags, what should her response have been? How exactly do you tell them not to help you - how do you not trigger their violent behavior, and possibly trigger an even larger crime from happening? THESE things would have been a major help. It is a pity the author didn't offer this sort of help.
Book Review: Prevention is Better that a Cure!!
Summary: 5 Stars
Of all the books on Self Defence & Conflict Management/Resolution that I have ever read, THIS one has to be the very best. The fact that it has lasted so long in print & stood the test of time is its best testimonial; I've not seen a negative review about it yet.
A couple of honest points first. There are too many references to other books & authors for my liking - a larger bibliography would have made reading easier. Also, there a many times De Becker mentions "....& I'll covering such & such in more detail in chapter so & so). These niggles are minor compared to the nature of its important & potentially life saving content.
Something that would have made this interesting & fascinating book easier to refer back to would have been more sub-headings, highlighting & bullet points, perhaps even summary points at the end of each chapter.
This is a huge reference manual that ought to take a prominent place in any self-defence instructors book shelf.
They say - "Prevention is better than Cure" & so the main theme throughout is not finding yourself in a situation that could end up in some form of nasty conflict with an adversary that you would certainly not want to confront or fight. So instead of waiting for an attack to happen & then have to deal with the inevitable & nasty consequences of fighting, De Becker teaches us using many useful explanations about the use of intuition & how to recognise & nurture it. More importantly he tells us that we need to pay more attention to our intuition, gut feelings, hunches & suspicions. This he does very successfully by giving us the signals to look for in others, that we ought to be wary of & who may become dangerous; thus we avoid getting into difficulties.
The skills necessary to do this are done by repeating various easy techniques to good effect. I feel that we need this repetition to let these important life skills sink in well.
De Becker also teaches us that fear, when recognised & if reacted to in the correct manner, is a good & desirable thing. We need to learn to recognise those strange feelings, like butterflies inside of us, & put them into proper use.
Please don't be put off by the cover of the book that looks a little old fashioned or that it has been around since 1997. The title really does say it all & it includes all the skills & information you need within its 432 pages to help save our or our families lives.
Do check out De Beckers credentials from his website, he's easy to find on Google, should you feel the need to be convinced any further about his competency & experience to teach on the subject.
Complimentary titles that go with this title are: Beauty Bites Beast: Awakening the Warrior Within Women and Girls by Ellen Snortland &
A Girl's Gotta Do What a Girl's Gotta Do: A Complete Guide to Personal Safety for Women by Kathleen Baty.
Book Review: Changed my life
Summary: 5 Stars
This is a great book and I recommend it to all my friends, but I do like to give them a little information first.
First of all, the author is a security specialist for rich and famous people, so he spends his days listening to threats and analyzing threatening situations. All the info in the book comes from experiences of clients he's worked with. He designed the MOSAIC Threat Assessment Systems used to screen threats to Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States, members of United States Congress, and senior officials of the Central Intelligence Agency. The guy certainly knows what he's talking about.
Second, you don't know me at all. And I know my sister was never as paranoid as me so when she said the book isn't scary, I did not think that would apply to me. I don't know if that makes sense. Basically a lot of people don't have problems with things (i.e. CSI) that make it difficult for me to function in the dark :). So embarrassing as it is, I want you to know that I don't shower when no one else is home, that I get nervous when there is an unexpected knock at the door (yes even in the day), and I usually run up the stairs at night even though I've just been down there and know no one is hiding in the dark. BUT I used to be that and worse.
Third, when I say that the book is not scary, it does come with a caveat. The first story of the whole book is indeed scary. (To make it short, girl lets someone come into her apartment, he rapes her, then says he is leaving but she knows he is going to kill her and she wraps the sheet around her and walks right past him in the kitchen out the door and into her neighbors house.) But then he picks apart the situation to show how she could have avoided being a victim, and also discusses the difference between paranoia (like I was, looking for people behind parked cars and such) and real fear that drives action (like her walking right past the bad guy out of the apartment when he could have turned around and seen her there at any minute). The rest of the examples in the book really didn't scare me, and even that one in the end helped me have confidence that if I get in a bad situation I may be able to survive.
Fourth, this book is full of information that really makes you think. And while it isn't scary, I postponed reading it so long that I had to read it in two days to get it back to my sister in time. And that was a little overwhelming. I would recommend reading a chapter at a time and then waiting a day or so to have time to absorb and reflect. Although I have a friend who just couldn't put it down even though I told her that, and she didn't mind reading it all in three sittings.
Anyway just info I think is helpful. I really do think all women should read this book. And I'm not over-exaggerating when I say I think it has changed my life. I am way less stressed, anxious and paranoid. Not that I'm not careful. I'm just not scared now of things that I don't need to be.
Book Review: Highly recommended book on survival from violence
Summary: 5 Stars
A highly readable book that made many fictions look rather boring. You won't waste your money for a good weekend's enjoyment even if you don't follow through with the advice. The gist of the book is not very complicated, though, to be of more practical use, one has to go beyond this book (which for corporations or high-net-worth folks mean buying the services of Gavin de Becker Incorporated). Gavin's more important lessons can be summarized below:
1. Make use of fear (intuition) to act rather than to worry (last chapter: The Gift of Fear), though easier said than done.
2. Act promptly and quickly based on "evidence" provided by one's instinct/intuition/unconscious (page 182: They told us, "Just because a man beats his wife doesn't mean he killed her," and that's true. But what's that got to do with O.J. Simpson, who beat his wife, broke into her home, threatened her (at least once with a gun), terrorized her, and stalked her? That behavior puts him very near the center of the predictive circle for wife murder). As a professional services provider, Becker's attitude is better play safe, and act on predictive factors rather than wait for more evidence.
3. Better to stay away (or steer away) from direct confrontation with the would-be dangerous suspect. His rationale is that it is more important to prevent disaster than try to change the behavior of the suspect. Again as a professional services provider, saving his clients is definitely more important than changing the personality of the subject (who won't pay anyway!)
4. In relation to (3) above, Gavin did justified his recommendation by saying that it would normally be quite impossible for the victim to change the personality of one who uses violence against him or her. Page 189 reads, "When men in these situations do not find out what is going on inside them, when they do not get counseling or therapy, it is a choice to continue using violence. Such men are taking the risk that violence will escalate to homicide, for as Carl Jung said, 'When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate'". Corollary: counseling or therapy to the violent guy should be done ASAP if at all possible or feasible.
5. Finally, in actual violence situation, Gavin certainly advised one to train to be physically prepared to defend oneself. He advised against spending years training martial arts in a dojo (that incidentally trained one NOT to harm his/her opponent during training sessions), rather he advised doing full-contact self-defense training using padded instructors who pose assailants, well, using "the gift of fear" (or "the powerful wish to survive") to drill the victim to use all his/her power to (brutally) attack and end the dangerous situation in his/her favor within minutes.
All in all, the book gives good advice for all of us who are interested in the art of survival without fear.
Book Review: I give copies away during safety programs
Summary: 5 Stars
I recently re-read "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin de Becker as I planned to give two copies away during a presentation I made on safety to a large group of women. The conference was last week, and I indeed gave two copies away. One went to a volunteer during the program, and the other was given through a drawing near the end of my session. Why did I give this book away? The same reason I've given many other copies away during self-defense and safety programs, and for the same reason I read it again. It is a very good book! In fact, if you trust Oprah Winfrey's opinion, she once said, "every woman in America should read this book." I'd like to add that it is also a good book for men to read, and if you teach self-defense and safety, it is a must read. De Becker's research and the information he provides is extremely valuable to all of us helping others remain safe.
The subtitle of the book is "and other survival signals that protect us from violence." These signals are so important. While the entire book is full of useful information and suggestions, as well as stories that just might shock you when realizing just what some people do to others, I think the most important lesson from the book, which is illustrated well through examples, is to pay attention to your intuition. And if you are a man, and not into your intuition, then listen to your "gut feelings," they are the same thing.
The book contains many stories of real cases, and there is a lot to be learned from these. Criminals repeat patters, and by studying what others have done, it becomes easier to predict what others will do. Many acts of violence are predictable and preventable if you pay attention to the signals. This book helps point out those signals so you'll be better prepared to recognize them.
The book covers intuition and predicting, as well as workplace violence, domestic violence, stalkers, attacks against public figures, violent children, and much more. I really can't say this enough, if you are concerned with your own safety, and you should be, read this book and pay attention to the lessons it contains.
I don't agree with de Becker on everything, especially his stance on firearms. But that is okay, I still believe him to be one of the country's leading experts on violent behavior, and I'm grateful for what I've learned from him that assists me with teaching people to be safe. I highly recommend this book, because as the cover says, "this book can save your life."
Reviewed by Alain Burrese, J.D., author of Hard-Won Wisdom From the School of Hard Knocks and the upcoming Tough Guy Wisdom series and the dvds: Hapkido Hoshinsul, Streetfighting Essentials, Hapkido Cane, the Lock On Joint Locking Essentials series and articles including a regular column on negotiation for The Montana Lawyer.