The Highlander's Touch (Highlander, Book 3)
by Karen Marie Moning
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Book Summary Information
Author: Karen Marie MoningEdition: Mass Market Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 1990-11-07
ISBN: 0440236525
Number of pages: 384
Publisher: Dell
Product features:
- ISBN13: 9780440236528
- Condition: New
- Notes: BRAND NEW FROM PUBLISHER! 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. Tracking provided on most orders. Buy with Confidence! Millions of books sold!
Book Reviews of The Highlander's Touch (Highlander, Book 3)
Book Review: You're joking?!
Summary: 1 Stars
First of all, what was with that mega cop-out ending?! Talk about a cheesy wrap-up for a cheesy book. There's screwing with time, and then there's completely altering the course of history to give your characters everything they want.
I should have just read the end first, because I would have thrown this thing away and been a whole lot happier. I DESPISE it when characters get everything their way in the end - and then some. That what Disney movies are for.
And did Robyn Carr pay a visit to the author or something, because the last thing I expected in a mediaeval story was a women's health lesson given by the Highlander hero of the book!!!! Not only that, but then the book finishes with a health lecture from the author. Geez woman, just let me read my crappy pseudo-Scottish story in peace!
Modern-day American woman Lisa Stone gets zapped seven hundred years into the past (to 1314). Her mother is dying alone in the future and Lisa can't get home. She finds herself stuck in Scotland with some sort of magical, humongous Highlander, Circenn Brodie, who tries to kill her.
Does Lisa faint? Cry? Panic? Go into shock? Not believe it? No, of course not. She's too busy admiring the size of Circenn's penis.
(As you would expect, Circenn is naked when she meets him. And we'll just ignore that he's hung like a rhinoceros and she can't get her hand around that massive manroot, but of course she's a virgin - naturally - and loves sex from the get-go.)
How about when Circenn cuts her throat as he's trying to kill her? Frightened? Traumatised? Of course not! She's turned-on.
When Lisa's not staring at Circenn's giant schlong, she's chatting away with him in in contemporary American English. And he's chatting right back at her - in contemporary American English. (They're literally trading idioms, and reminiscing about the things Lisa says that are similar to what Circenn's mother used to say. Uh huh. The year 800, the year 2000, no real difference there.)
And Ms Moning, it's an ARSE in Britain. An ass is a donkey. While I sure can imagine Circenn sitting on his donkey, I rather think the powerful warrior would prefer a horse.
Our dashing, tall leading couple spend page, after page, after page, after page, after page doing some serious introspection. It was boring. I knew how they felt - Lisa liked Circenn's nether regions, and Circenn wanted to put those nether regions to good use. I got that in the first scene they were together.
It's only a few days before Lisa decides she's in love with war-torn, mediaeval Scotland. She wants to stay because the food is the best she's ever eaten (snort!), the clothes are so great, and the landscape is so pretty. Here's a tip Miss Stone: the landscape in Scotland is pretty these days too, only you get to live with plumbing. And feminism.
To top it off, the author throws in a bizarre speech from our massive hero about how women should be able to have satisfying sex lives before marriage. Way to give your historical characters era-inappropriate attitudes there!
I despair for poor Lisa. Just how many babies is an immortal woman supposed to have if Circenn's mighty seed hits the jackpot every time?!
The book descends into sheer silliness by the end, with talk of magical connections and men feeling births (it's like that movie where Arnie got pregnant!) and communicating across dimensions and being fairies. What, exactly, was the author going for here? A little bit of every genre? So many ideas and characters and points of view, and none of them were covered satisfyingly.
Circenn and his friends are such smart guys they're conversing with words that haven't been invented yet, such as "Oops" (circa 1925-30), "Ditto" (1615-25), "Sarcasm" (1570-80), "Breakfast" (1425-75). I could go on.
I didn't want complete accuracy (no need for a doctorate from Cambridge just to read a book!), but I needed much more than I got. But, "Oops"? Really?!
The worst thing about the whole book is that Lisa takes the concept of Too Stupid To Live to an entirely new level. The plot only - literally only ever - moves along when she does something unbelievably stupid. She gets trapped in the museum because she falls asleep in her boss' office. She gets transported in time because she decides to touch a priceless artefact she wasn't supposed to touch (and don't get me started on how much I hate people who can't keep their hands off the exhibits in galleries and museums!). She is discovered by all the men because she decides to climb out a window even though she was told to stay put. She is forced into a marriage because she was told to stay in her room for her own safety, but no! she just had to have a look at the men.
Following that we have another favourite plot device of mine. Important information is being revealed, but oh no! we're only 80% of the way through the book, we can't learn it all now! So instead of hearing him out, Lisa tells Circenn to stop telling her. Now there's a good way to make sure we can save some more Big Revelations until later in the book. It's especially stupid as Lisa was the one who wanted him to talk in the first place.
Stupidity as a plot device is the worst thing an author can do. Once is bad enough, let alone once every chapter! I don't care that the author writes it off as the endearing character trait `curiosity' about ten thousand times in the book. Curiosity and sheer idiocy are two very different things.
On top of that, Lisa refuses to even try and communicate in a way the people will understand. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that saying things such as:
"You and I have a date with warm water and soap later this afternoon."
And
"She was in a car wreck five years ago...
...After that, all I see are the crushed, jagged pieces of a blue Mercedes."
won't make any sense to these people.
Stupidity aside, neither lead character has a personality to speak of. Circenn is obscenely oversized, stupendously gorgeous and he broods. Lisa is tall, attractive and feisty. But so what? Why should I like them? Why in the world do they love each other? Telling me they're wildly in love isn't enough. You need to show me.
But never fear! Just when you start to feel like you've turned up at a 21st century Trafalgar Tours Scottish theme night instead of the real deal, Moning dumps pages upon pages of unnecessary historical information on us. It's not interwoven with the stories of the characters. At. All. Instead we have characters, characters, characters, HISTORY LESSON. Characters, characters, characters, HISTORY LESSON. Like maybe what you'd get if you pasted huge chunks from Wikipedia into your fan fiction (I'm not accusing her of doing that, it's just the feeling it gave).
And why does everyone have to be so tall - it's 1314, the era where the average man was 5`6''. A 5'10'' woman and a nearly seven foot man wouldn't just be tall, they wouldn't even fit through a doorway!
Moning is one of the guiltiest breakers of the "Show, don't Tell" rule. Additionally, she explains things to us as if we're morons. For example, when Lisa opens the door and Circenn falls into the room, we don't need an entire paragraph explaining that that must mean he'd been leaning on it, and that's why he fell, and that that's why he looked surprised when the door opened!! Come on woman, give us some credit!
I kind of got that this book was supposed to be light-hearted. However, humour only seemed to come in the form of toilet jokes, and it was painful to read. Then we got a Buffy the Vampire Slayer joke immediately before the Battle of Bannockburn (the Braveheart scene again). I cringed.
I am undoubtedly being too picky, but The Highlander's Touch was a massive disappointment, and it felt like a chore to read. It certainly seems the time travel concept works much better when less time is crossed (Outlander is set in the 18th century, and it was much easier to buy the heroine from 1945 and her adjustments to her new existence). Two hundred years would require adjustments, but things could be figured out. Seven hundred years, and Lisa may as well have zapped herself to Endor to live with the Ewoks.
If Moning had chosen to write this with more humour and play up to the fact her story was ridiculous, then I would have been more forgiving and settled in for the ride. However this book is trapped between an attempt to be a serious historical and an attempt to be a romantic romp, and it's not working on either count. I have the next book in the series, but it's really going to have to lift its game if I'm going to find anything to enjoy there.
Summary of The Highlander's Touch (Highlander, Book 3)
A Warrior Of Immortal PowersHe was a mighty Scottish warrior who lived in a world bound by ancient laws and timeless magic. But no immortal powers could prepare the laird of Castle Brodie for the lovely accursed lass who stood before him. A terrible trick of fate had sent her 700 years back in time and into his private chamber to tempt him with her beauty?and seduce him with a desire he could never fulfill. For this woman he burned to possess was also
the woman he had foresworn to destroy.
A Woman Caught In The Mists Of Time
When Lisa felt the earth move under her feet, the fiercely independent 21st-century woman never dreamed she was falling...into another century. But the powerful, naked warrior who stood glaring down at her was only too real...and too dangerously arousing. Irresistibly handsome he might be, but Lisa had no intention of remaining in this savage land torn by treachery and war. How could she know that her seductive captor had other plans for her...plans that would save her from a tragic fate? Or that this man who had long ago forsaken love would defy time itself to claim her for his own....
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