The New Dare to Discipline
by James C. Dobson
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Book Summary Information
Author: James C. DobsonBrand: Spring Arbor/Ingram
Edition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 1996-03-22
ISBN: 0842305068
Number of pages: 288
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Book Reviews of The New Dare to Discipline
Book Review: Dobson Preaches Loving Discipline and Balanced Parenting
Summary: 5 Stars
In 1970, Dr. James Dobson, then an unknown and fresh-out-of-school psychologist, first wrote and published Dare to Discipline, a brave manifesto which reaffirmed Biblical values and common sense in parental discipline and child development. More than two decades and millions of copies later, Dobson updated his parenting treatise with up-to-date statistics and fresh examples and re-released it as The New Dare to Discipline.
The book is primarily written for two different audiences: parents and education professionals (i.e. teachers, principals, etc.) or, as Dobson puts it, "This is a book about children and those who love them." From the book's first chapter, Dobson writes about a concept he calls "loving discipline," explaining that it is essential parents strike a balance between harsh discipline and permissiveness in the home. He makes clear his readers understand the dangers of both extremes. About harsh, oppressive control, Dobson writes:
"At the oppressive end of the continuum, a child suffers the humiliation of total domination. The atmosphere is icy and rigid, and he lives in constant fear. He is unable to make his own decisions, and his personality is squelched beneath the hobnailed boot of parental authority. Lasting characteristics of dependency; deep abiding, anger; and even psychosis can emerge from this persistent dominance."
Yet Dobson warns that an atmosphere of permissiveness can be just as harmful to a child growing up. He writes:
"In the absence of adult leadership, the child is his own master from his earliest babyhood. He thinks the world revolves around his heady empire, and he often has utter contempt and disrespect for those closest to him. Anarchy and chaos reign in his home, and his mother is often the most nervous, frustrated woman on her block."
Dr. Dobson also writes about how important it is to understand a child's motivation when determining the best course of action. For instance, Dobson states that if a child cries when he is being put to bed, a parent needs to know whether that child is crying because his room is dark and is scared or if the child is just protesting the decision to put him down for the night. Even though it is the same action in both cases, one motivation of crying calls for comfort and assurance while the other calls for firm discipline.
Dobson sums up this balanced parental philosophy by stating:
"I am recommending a simple principle: when you are defiantly challenged, win decisively. When the child asks, "Who's in charge?" tell him. When he mutters, "Who loves me?" take him in your arms and surround him with affection. Treat him with respect and dignity, and expect the same from him. Then begin to enjoy the sweet benefits of competent parenthood."
Dobson then examines "five underpinnings to commonsense child rearing:"
1) Developing respect for parents is the critical factor in child management. Dobson explains that this first principle is imperative because the child will base all future relationships off of his relationship with his parents. Also, if your child does not respect you in his early years, then he will reject you and your values later in life. What struck me is how early this battle for respect can be won or lost. Dobson cited example after example of parents he counseled who were experiencing difficulties with their teenage son or daughter. In most of these relationships, Dobson writes, the trouble began while the child was still a toddler.
2) The best opportunity to communicate is after a disciplinary event. Dobson writes that the moments immediately following a disciplinary action "provide the opportunity to convey verbal and nonverbal messages to the boy or girl that cannot be expressed at other times." It is these times, Dobson makes clear, that a parent can just talk heart to heart with their child, letting them know how much they are loved and explaining in full detail why they were disciplined and how they can avoid further corrective actions in the future.
3) Control without nagging and yelling. Dobson notes that, contrary to what many parents believe, it is possible to control children without constantly nagging them or yelling at them. He explains that many parents use a constantly escalating anger and a slew of empty threats to deal with their children. For example, some parents, when wishing their children to clean up their room, will first just tell them to clean up their room. A few minutes later, after no corresponding obedient action by the child, the parent will ask their kids again, only this time in a slightly more emphatic and angry tone, adding a "And I mean it!" at the end for good measure. When this still does not produce the desired result, the parent will yell at their kid, warning them "For the last time!" the child, who is familiar with the routine charade, then knows that its finally time to obey.
Dobson explains this forced anger and yelling contaminates the parent-child relationship, exasperates the parent and does not produce the desired effect (obedience). Instead, Dobson writes, parents must use actions to control their children, not constant nagging and angry outbursts. Dobson further explains that a combination of rewards for good behavior and corporal discipline for bad behavior eliminates these problems leading to a strained relationship.
4) Don't saturate children with materialism. Dobson carefully explains that he does not think children should be deprived of toys or other things they want, but warns parents that saturating their children with material possessions robs children of joy. He writes, "There are few conditions that inhibit a sense of appreciation more than for a child to feel he is entitled to whatever he wants, whenever he wants it."
5) Establish a balance between love and discipline. Here, Dobson returns to what seems to be his recurring theme: Competent parenting must be carefully balanced with loving discipline and respect.
The second half of the book is largely devoted to educators and teachers and how they can establish a balanced discipline in the classroom. Dobson examines many failed liberal policies in education that led to a simultaneous decrease in test scores and classroom discipline. One of the points Dobson makes in these chapters is to emphasize how important it is identify the different types of struggling students, writing that it is folly to think that the same solution will work for all students. He explains that there are three different types of students who struggle in school: late bloomers, slow learners and underachievers. Dobson explains that it depends on which of these categories a child falls under as to what will help them to best overcome their academic struggles.
For instance, a late bloomer simply needs more time to mature and develop mental faculties than most of his or her peers. For this child, being held back in kindergarten or an early grade might do them wonders. For slow learners, being held back a grade will only emphasize their difficulties and probably lead them to grow disenfranchised with all learning and educational activities. Slow learners have a lower-than-average IQ and mental faculties (but not low enough to be classified for special needs help) and will not benefit by spending extra time on the same subjects and material. Underachievers, on the other hand, possess the mental faculties to do the necessary school work but lack the self-discipline the work requires.
These three different types of struggling students all require different tactics and methods to succeed in an academic environment. Dobson believes that testing is crucial to placing children in environments where they can maximize their potential. Categorizing children, Dobson writes, can only be accomplished through a complete educational assessment conducted by a trained professional. Unfortunately, Dobson laments, this requires an IQ test as well, which has virtually disappeared from the public sphere due to the tests being perceived as unfair to minorities. Dobson writes:
"Thus, it is no longer "politically correct" to use them [IQ tests]. As a result, parents who desperately need the information previously available from testing in public school settings now have to seek out a psychologist or counselor in private practice who can conduct the evaluation. Those who lack the funds to obtain this expensive assistance, including many minorities, are deprived of the help their children need. I regret the political situation that prevents school districts from evaluating their students with the best tests available."
One of the many features of the updated version of the book that I appreciated were the question and answer sections Dobson included at the end of most chapters. After having written the original edition in the early seventies, Dobson received countless questions concerning the work through the years. He included the most commonly asked questions at the end of the applicable chapters, adding clarity and concrete examples to some of the principles he explained.
The New Dare to Discipline is an excellent guide to loving discipline for parents and teachers. Dobson's expertise is backed by a genuine and sincere interest in the welfare of children, and the advice comes across as coming from a concerned grandfather, not a scholar isolated in an ivory tower. Though not exhaustive, Dobson does a good job of identifying many of the threats present in our society to raising Godly young children and he helps parents think through these problems while offering many practical and smart solutions. All in all, this is a worthy read for those who love children.
Summary of The New Dare to Discipline
Why are boundaries so important? Do children really want limits set on their behavior? Is it okay to spank my child, or will it lead him to hit others and become a violent person? Join the millions of caring parents who have found much-needed answers to their questions in the wisdom of parenting expert and family counselor Dr. James Dobson. The New Dare to Discipline is a revised and updated edition of the classic bestseller, designed to help you lead your children through the tough job of growing up. This practical, reassuring guide will teach you how to meet your children?s needs of love, trust, affection?and discipline.Christian Living Books
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