The Twilight Saga Collection
by Stephenie Meyer
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Book Summary Information
Author: Stephenie MeyerBrand: Little, Brown Books for Young Readers
Edition: Hardcover
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Format: Box set
Published: 2008-10-15
ISBN: 0316031844
Number of pages: 2560
Publisher: Little, Brown Books for Young Readers
Book Reviews of The Twilight Saga Collection
Book Review: A Waste of paper
Summary: 1 Stars
Now, before people jump down my throat about this review and start claiming that I don't know what I'm taking about, I feel I must say that I have read all the Twilight books, and I believe the title of this post says it all. I strongly discourage anyone who wishes to retain a decent number of brain cells from reading this atrocious series. Stephenie Meyer, as Stephen King said, "cannot write worth a darn," and her "vampires" are, quite frankly, wimps. The relationship between Edward Cullen, (a "vampire"), and Isabella Swan, is preposterous, and based mainly on the fact that Edward is pretty and Bella smells good. Neither of those, in my opinion, is a good idea to be with someone.
*Possible spoilers beyond this point...Not that there's really anything to spoil; even if you only read the first chapter, it's all pretty obvious what's going to happen in the next 2505 pages of the series*
The plot of the first Twilight book is as lifeless as Bella's personality. For 7/8 of the book, Edward and Bella struggle with their forbidden relationship. Example:
Bella: Edward, I love you.
Edward: I know, but we can't be together. I am just too dangerous.
Bella: I don't care!
Edward: I know what is best for you, Bella. You can never see me again.
*A day goes by, during which Bella mopes around, and the next morning, Edward is in her driveway with his Volvo*
Edward: I've come to take you to school, Bella.
Bella: Edward, I love you.
(etcetera etcetera...)
Oh. My. God.
This, as you can imagine, begins to get very, very boring after a while, but then, lo and behold, there is a small gleam of hope for some sort of pick-up when a "Tracker vampire" named James decides he wants to kill Bella. Well, I personally think he'd better get in line since Edward saw her first, but whatever. Eventually, after running from Forks, Washington to Phoenix, Arizona, Bella is lured to a ballet studio by James and a home video, and nearly killed. Not quite as exciting as you may think, especially since Edward and the gang arrive in time to save her and kill James. Bella, though she is bitten, is kept from becoming a "vampire" thanks to some quick thinking from Edward.
Yeah, because if Edward let Bella become a "vampire", then their lives would just be soooo perfect, and Stephenie Meyer wouldn't have been able to torture the world with more of her stupid ideas.
I'm getting rude now, and I apologize; I'll tone it down.
In New Moon, Edward does finally leave Bella because another "vampire" named Jasper tries to eat her, and she sits in the woods for almost a day. Just sits there. Because, as we all know, a girl simply cannot function without a guy of her own. Mhm, sure. That isn't archaic or anything. So, after Bella sits in the woods until her father and some other guys find her and drag her home, she is basically catatonic for months. Really. In the book, you turn the page, and it says OCTOBER, then the next page says NOVEMBER, then DECEMBER, and so on and so forth. I don't remember what finally snaps her out of this funk, but by that time, Bella has begun to hear Edward's voice. In her mind.
Yeah, she's not going insane or anything.
Oh, and since this only happens when she's in life-threatening situations, Bella sets out to do all this dangerous stuff, including jumping off of a cliff, just so she can hear Edward's voice in her head. I guess the fact that she might die did not occur to her. Meanwhile, Jacob, (an indian boy who was also in the first book), is being led on by Bella, who is bored and wants him to rebuild her a motorcycle for free, because he, like everyone else in the world of Twilight, cannot get enough of her, in spite of the fact that she is very plain and lacks any sort of personality.
(By the way, I don't think that Stephenie Meyer has ever been on an indian reservation in her life, because she seems to have no idea what she's talking about. Then again, that applies to most everything she writes, so maybe it's just her style is to be ignorant.)
So, while Bella is stringing Jacob along, she is attacked by the late James' "vampire" mate, Victoria, and Jacob turns into a werewolf and saves her. Sure, okay. Bella, not the sharpest tool in the shed, thinks that Jacob's wolf-form is actually a bear for a while. Nice.
Anyway, as all of this is happening in Washington, Edward is in Italy planning to kill himself. Why? Well, through a series of miscommunications, he heard that Bella committed suicide, so, naturally, he must die as well. Bella and another "vampire" Alice go to stop him. They arrive JUST IN TIME, and then escape back to Forks, but not before a group of "vampire" royalty tells Edward that Bella has to be turned into a "vampire" or killed because she knows about "vampires". To Edward's dismay, it is decided that Bella will be changed when she graduates high school. Bella 1, Edward 0.
The next book...what is it called again? Something about the moon... *checks wikipedia* Oh yeah, Eclipse. So, in Eclipse, Bella is still being hunted by the "vampire" Victoria. Edward, who had since returned to Bella and Forks, is being especially obnoxious, because now he's jealous over Bella's relationship with Jacob. He forbids her to see him, but, for the first time ever, Bella decides to disobey Edward, and begins visiting Jacob on a regular basis. This makes Edward even more jealous, so he decides that he must marry Bella and take her off the market.
Edward didn't count on Bella being super against marriage.
In spite of this, when Edward proposes, Bella accepts. Practically the next day, Edward and his family decide to join forces with Jacob and his pack to fight off Victoria and her band of newly-turned "vampires". Bella is taken up a mountain, and watched over by Edward during the fight.
At some point, I can't recall exactly when, Bella has to cuddle up to Jacob in order to stay warm. Edward is there, and as he still does not want Bella to be a "vampire", he basically offers to lend Bella to Jacob for sex without even consulting her about this because, as always, her opinion doesn't matter. I believe Jacob says no.
Anyway, back to the story. When the fighting ends, Jacob shows up and, when he hears of Edward and Bella's engagement, he threatens to rush off and get himself killed. Bella, in her infinite wisdom, kisses Jacob, and realizes that she loves him too.
Thus, the love triangle.
Victoria manages to find Edward in the mountains, and after a brief fight, she is destroyed. Bella is still trying to convince both herself and Jacob that she loves Edward more, but after Edward gives Jacob and invitation to the wedding, Jacob, distraught, runs off into the woods.
Real manly there, Jacob.
Last, and definitely least, Breaking Dawn. If all the books up to this point have been bad, this one is truly and without question the most god-awful of them all.
Bella is brain-dead. Not literally; she just acts like it. She wants Edward to have sex with her BEFORE she is turned into a "vampire". He argues, but they eventually do it, and, OF COURSE, Bella gets knocked up. Friggin' fantastic story-writing here, Meyer. A few days after Bella and Edward go at it, (during which they have sex a few more times), Bella begins to feel her stomach kicking. I believe it to be much more likely that she has a bunch of snakes inside of her than a child, since that was way too quick, but it did turn out to be a kid.
Break out the cigars.
Edward, who is apparently not a big smoker, freaks out and wants to abort the child, with or without Bella's consent, but Bella refuses and he actually listens to her. Why does she refuse? Because she's stupid. Over the next few days, she swells like a toad, and enlists the help of a "vampire" named Rosalie to keep Edward from doing anything rash. Rosalie, who had always wanted children, agrees to help Bella out. Personally, I also think Rosalie hoped Bella would die, and my condolences go out to her that this dream was not realized.
Bella begins craving blood, and she drinks some human stuff that the "vampires" had on ice from a sippy cup. Meanwhile, Jacob's pack wants to kill Bella and the kid, but then Bella gives birth. Most of her bones are broken, and she loses a bunch of blood, but then, at long last, Edward turns Bella into a "vampire". Happy friggin' day.
Oh, and Jacob imprints on Bella's kid. Imprinting=immediately falling in love forever. Creepy, huh? I really wanted Jacob to imprint on Edward, but I suppose you can't always get what you want.
Now that Jacob has found his soul-mate in the form of Bella's newborn daughter, named, (can you believe it?), Renesmee, Bella has to get used to being a "vampire". As she was uber-clumsy in life, I thought that that was the trait Bella should have taken to death, but no. Instead, she is unnaturally in control of her "vampiric" instincts.
Ugh.
The rest of this book is just unbearable. Renesmee is thought to be an "immortal child", which is apparently bad, so all these bad "vampires" come to kill her and Bella and all the other good "vampires" called the Cullens. Another kid like Renesmee is found, and he tells the bad "vampires" that Renesmee is not an "immortal child", but is a crossbreed like him, and poses no threat. The bad "vampires" leave, and then Bella and Edward, and I quote, "continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of [their] forever."
Holy two-pound bag of sugar, Batman.
So, now that I have taken time to write this out, I hope beyond hope that I can convince just a few readers that this series is a complete waste of time and paper. For the love of God, people, the "vampires" SPARKLE. Don't even try to tell me that that's not one of the lamest things you've ever heard. And they don't have fangs! Didn't catch that? Hold on, I'll say it again. THE "VAMPIRES" DON'T HAVE FANGS!!! I am so freaking sick of seeing all the Twilight paraphernalia, (which, by the way, is EVERYWHERE), with fangs on it. Bella clearly says so when Jacob asks if it the fangs hurt when she kisses Edward.
In closing, I must say that these are all fictional characters. Seems obvious, yet I have noticed a troubling number of girls calling themselves Mrs. Edward Cullen online, writing it in their notebooks with bubbly hearts, and even scribbling it onto bathroom walls in permanent marker. So I shall say it again: Edward is not real. Hear me fangirls? NOT REAL. Move on with your lives and stop defacing public restrooms.
And, if he was real, would you really want some controlling, vaguely creepy, undead fellow as your paramour? Personally, I would have dumped him the minute I found out he had been watching me sleep. The fact that he was constantly lusting for my blood wouldn't have helped much, either. (Speaking of which, Meyer ignored Bella's female time-of-the-month, but I can't bring myself to care. That would have put these books over their quota for awkwardness, which was already satisfied thanks to all the uncomfortable staring and such.)
The End
P.S. Save trees; RECYCLE Twilight books.
Summary of The Twilight Saga Collection
This stunning set, complete with all four hardcover books as well as four collectible prints, makes the perfect gift for fans of the bestselling vampire love story.Deeply romantic and extraordinarily suspenseful, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn capture the struggle between defying our instincts and satisfying our desires.
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