You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
by Deborah Tannen
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Book Summary Information
Author: Deborah TannenEdition: Paperback
Audio: English (Unknown); English (Original Language); English (Published)
Published: 2001-07-24
ISBN: 0060959622
Number of pages: 352
Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks
Book Reviews of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
Book Review: You Just Don't Understand
Summary: 5 Stars
Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown University, has (in addition to scholarly publications) written two popular books which help us understand why we so often fail to understand one another. Tannen's You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation (New York: Ballantine Books, c. 1990) deserves its best-seller accolades and rewards careful reading. We (men and women) don't understand each other, Tannen says, because we too often ignore the differences between the sexes. Men and women forever long to live together, to share life together. We easily acknowledge biological differences. But too often we assume that as persons we're more alike than we are. There is, today, intense political pressure to blur any distinctions, insisting that we must all be equal in everything, that acknowledging differences is discriminatory. "Much as I understand and am in sympathy with those who wish there were no differences between women and men--only reparable social injustice--my research, others' research, and my own and others' experience tell me it simply isn't so. There are gender differences in ways of speaking, and we need to identify and understand them" (p. 17). Such is the intent of her treatise.
In her first chapter, "Different Words, Different Worlds," Tannen deals with the fact that while both sexes desire a degree of both intimacy and independence, women tend to more value intimacy while men tend to more value independence. Women often encourage and appreciate advice when making decisions, but men often resist and resent it. Even at an early age girls often prefer to play in small groups, pairing off, if possible, with their best friend, while boys tend to play highly-structure outside games in large, hierarchical groups. In one of her research projects, she watched videotapes of conversations, ranging from second graders to university students. "I was overwhelmed," she writes, "but the differences that separated the females and males of each age, and the striking similarities that linked the females, on the one hand, and the males, on the other, across the vast expanse of age. In many ways, the second-grade girls were more like the twenty-five-year-old women than like the second-grade boys" (p. 245). Whether this is a genetic or cultural difference is, in my view, rather irrelevant--we must deal with the solid realities of our world rather than the fantasies of social engineers.
Consequently, when men and women talk, they engage in cross-cultural communication. "Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, but we think we're in the same one, so we judge each other's behavior by the standards of our own" (p. 254). This causes "asymmetries: women and men talking at cross-purposes," the subject of the second chapter. Women, Tannen, says, often just want someone to hear what they're saying, to share their experiences, to empathize with their feelings. Men, on the other hand, usually talk to accomplish a task. to act, to address a problem by solving it. When discussing their problems, "Women tend to show understanding of another woman's feelings. When men try to reassure women by telling them that their situation is not so bleak, the women hear their feelings being belittled or discounted" (p. 59). Men, on the other hand, tend to not talk about problems unless they think they can be solved as a result. Thus, in public meetings, which by their very nature are rather action-oriented, men usually talk much more--and more aggressively--than women. Then, to their spouse's amazement, they say little or nothing at home. "Men feel more comfortable doing 'public speaking,' while more women feel comfortable doing 'private' speaking."
Another way of capturing these differences is by using the terms report-talk and rapport-talk" (pp. 76-77). Women seek to establish intimacy through rapport-talk; they develop and cultivate a network of friends with whom they constantly communicate. Men, on the other hand, try to preserve independence through report-talk; they usually discuss politics, sports, work, investments. "The game women play is 'Do you like me?' whereas the men play 'Do you respect me?" (p. 129). This often leads to tensions in the home. Tannen repeats a joke her father likes to tell: "A woman sues her husband for divorce. When the judge asks her why she wants a divorce, she explains that her husband has not spoken to her in two years. The judge asks the husband, 'Why haven't you spoken to your wife in two years?' He replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her'" (p. 188). It's a stereotypical story which Tannen finds true to type.
Women routinely complain that their husbands don't talk to them, won't listen to them, won't share the daily details of life with them. "He seems to have everything to say to everyone else, and nothing to say to me," they lament. Men, however, often think their wives talk too much, start nagging once the honeymoon ends. "For many men, the comfort of home means freedom from having to prove themselves and impress through verbal display" (p. 86). The real problem, Tannen insists, is this: we have different conversational styles; we fail to understand what our spouse is saying--or saying by not saying anything.
Given the gap which separates us men and women, how then should we talk to each other? In some ways, it seems to me, the answer is quite simple. First we recognize and even celebrate the ineradicable, God-given differences which make complementary unions possible. Perhaps we can let God be God, men be men, women be women. Secondly, if we understand Tannen's presentation, we can learn (if we're men) to simply listen more without thinking we must solve every problem women may discuss. If we're women, we can learn to respect a man's need for silence, to know that silence does not mean lack of interest or affection.
Finally, and especially in public meetings, men need to realize that their accustomed communication style tends to be aggressive and domineering . . . and that women's voices, aired more through questions and suggestions, can be wrongly ignored. Men simply must give more attention to women who are colleagues or friends. Women in meetings, on the other hand, should not interpret men's assertive style as efforts to dominate women. "The effect of dominance is not always the result of an intention to dominate" (p. 18). If only we can begin to rightly hear one another, if only we become adept at cross-cultural communication, some of the flack and fall-out of the "war between the sexes" (which seems to be heating up, some think) may subside!
Summary of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
Women and men live in different worlds...made of different words.
Spending nearly four years on the New York Times bestseller list, including eight months at number one, You Just Don't Understand is a true cultural and intellectual phenomenon. This is the book that brought gender differences in ways of speaking to the forefront of public awareness. With a rare combination of scientific insight and delightful, humorous writing, Tannen shows why women and men can walk away from the same conversation with completely different impressions of what was said.
Studded with lively and entertaining examples of real conversations, this book gives you the tools to understand what went wrong -- and to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. A classic in the field of interpersonal relations, this book will change forever the way you approach conversations.
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